The Root of All Nerves

The dentist did not go well today. Actually, the experience itself wasn't too awful, but now that my anesthetic is wearing off, I'm a painful, pathetic mess. There aren't enough Wendy's Frosty's in the world.

I went in to work for 6:45 this morning and led a few meetings (note to self: we need a new template for root cause analyses). Then I dashed back across the IN border to the dreaded dentist. I was seated in a deluxe dentist chair (it even had lumbar support) and handed a pink rubber mask (I kept thinking "a piggy nose!") and was instructed to breathe deeply. I'd never had nitrous oxide before and they said it was like having a glass of wine. Or three!

I'm a wreck when it comes to the dentist. They knew this and because the dentist is best friends with Elvis, I received a bit of the VIP treatment. This translated to a lot of laughing gas. Four hours' worth, to be exact.

So I took my first few deep breaths. The room started spinning (what does this stuff do to your brain?). The dentist came to numb my gums and jaw with the big, fat needle and I had this chorus in my head:

"Oh, it's time for the big, fat needle. Don't open your eyes, you don't want to see the big, fat needle."

[The Hendrix song "Purple Haze" comes over the speaker. Not even kidding.]

"Chill out, Dorrie. Breathe deeply."

[Inhale deeply. Room resumes its spinning.]

"Okay, the anesthetic is taking effect [drool]."

[Time passes. Thinks about work. Considers dinner options. Questions the end of civilization at 12/21/12.]

"This isn't so bad! Dentists are overrated and this one's niiiiiice! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

[Inhale deeply. Room keeps spinning. More time passes.]

"Gee, that hurts! Why is that hurting?"

The dentist announces that he's really close to the nerve and if it hurts, to let him know.

[Dentist lightly brushes the nerve and I jump 2 feet up in the air as if struck by lightning.]

Dentist says, "Oh, I guess you need more anesthetic. I wonder why your body is metabolizing this anesthetic so quickly?"

[I ponder the sign language needed to adequately answer this question. Then I have what seems to be a brilliant idea in my nitrous haze...We should devise a sign language methodology that patients can use to answer their dentists when they insist on asking you questions during your cleaning/exam/procedure. We resorted to the SCUBA communication signs and that worked well. I FELT like a SCUBA diver, with my big pink rubber mask across my face, and a mouth full of instruments.]

The lightning maneuver revealed the fact that I needed my first root canal. The doc offered me one on the spot, since everything north of my bra was completely numb. I went with it and asked the dentist and the assistant to please tell me stories. Or jokes.

They told me dirty jokes (probably shouldn't advertise that!) but they got me through the first root canal of my life. And the procedures were dragging on so long that we needed an Intermission (sort of like this post!). I'll spare you the exact details, but the other side of my mouth transpired the exact same way. Yes, even the root canal. The right side was apparently jealous of the left side.

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea I'd be losing two tooth nerves. I had no idea I'd be sitting here with paralyzing, throbbing pain shooting through my skull. My prescription pain killers aren't touching the pain and I have no idea how I'm going to run three meetings tomorrow. Can I quickly learn ventriloquism so I don't have to open my mouth?