Tears for Fears

I cried on the drive home from work today.

It wasn't the first time I've cried on my commute home.

The last time I remember commute-crying, I was still in Chicago and felt so overburdened by the weighty projects sagging my weary shoulders. The tears were more of the "How in the world will I EVER accomplish this?" type versus today's tears.

Today's tears were of the "I'm so sorry I had to do that to you today" type.

Leadership is never easy. Sometimes people regard leaders as managers who sit in board rooms, discussing hypothetical policy changes, immune to what's REALLY happening on the front line. I've been accused of such, that I have "no idea" what the "real world" is like; that I sit in my plush office and collect my lucrative paycheck without feeling any pain.

Most days hurt. Today flat-out sucked.

As part of a system-wide layoff today, I had to tell 14 people that I was wrecking their lives. I had to take six badges away from people, escorting them out of the hospital forever. I had to tell four more that I was making their full-time employment half-time (slashing pay and benefits). The rest? They went from regular, comfortable 8am-4pm shifts, to graveyard, midnight to 8 am shifts.

I was popular today. Whenever my staff see me coming, they immediately assume someone's getting laid off or fired. It's great.

I traveled to four of my seven campuses, delivering terrible news to employees. What's funny is that I didn't truly realize what I was doing. I mean, I knew I was eliminating peoples' jobs, a-la "Up in the Air." But I got through each employee meeting with dry eyes and a moderately-upset stomach.

It wasn't until I was on the way home, on the busy Chicago-like interstate, that I read the press release from our healthcare system.

[Relax, I was in standstill traffic. We hadn't moved an inch in 4 minutes.]

But something strange hit me when I read that press release. It talked about the terribleness of Obamacare on the nation's hospitals, that we are forced to do more with less, provide healthcare access for the formerly-self insured population, and do it with less reimbursements and at higher quality. Then it said one painful line........."Those affected by the layoff have been notified today."

Today?

That's what I did today? I "notified" several people in my wonderful staff that they no longer had jobs. Or full-time employment. Or even regular employment.

Cue the "I can't believe I did this to you" tears. It was brief, but new territory for me. I'm used to shedding a few tears every now and then about the mounting, heavy responsibilities of hospital management, uncertain of how my measly shoulders will handle it all.

Today? I guess I felt some humanity as I shattered several lives.

It's so different to fire an employee. They bring it upon themselves and force you into that position. This time, I had to tell innocent people that they're done.

Humanity. Humanity is a good thing. My stomach is still upset and the future's uncertain.

I'm going to be grateful for my humanity today...and hopefully, the good that I have been able to do today for our overall healthcare ministry.