I'm in a weird place. I usually lose sleep because my brain is racing a zillion miles an hour and I lay there, trying to will myself to peace and to sleep. My to-do lists mount in my brain and my strangest anxieties rear their annoying heads while my body is trying to replenish itself. That's when I worry about some stupid mistake I made 10 years ago or how a colleague may have perceived a facial expression that day. Whatever the space junk floating around my head, that's when it manifests itself.
I was exhausted tired on Sunday. It may have been from the long weekend but it felt like more of a work hangover, from my body trying to get over the fact that I wasn't stressed to the point of breaking. Monday, I barely woke up all day and drug myself to bed at 7p.m. (only to sleep a solid 11 hours...on a weeknight!). Yesterday, I had a massive migraine and was nodding off even as I got my hair cut at 6pm. By 8, I was in bed and already passed out cold. So imagine my surprise when I woke up at 11:39 pm, completely rested. It was as though my body was saying, "Okay, we're good now. Please proceed."
So now, I have similar physical feelings of anxiety and restlessness. But it's almost as though I'm going through a withdrawal from work. A physical withdrawal from hospital operations. It's not a bad thing; these type of DT's are totally worth it. They're a sign of healing.
For the first time in six years, I don't care if we get a huge snowstorm. I will get to stay home, in front of my fireplace, and watch the snow fly from the comfort of my Snuggie. I will no longer have to be on-call to run a hospital, to open a command center for overnight staffing, or worry about a dozen offsite facilities and who would make sure they are safe for patients. When huge storms hit in the past, I would visit the news apps and marvel at the number of schools and businesses closed for the weather. Hospitals never close...so I'd get up and with a slight feeling of bitterness, fight through monsterous storms to help keep said hospital open. But now, I will welcome the snowstorms. Bring it on. Now I'm stayiing home, too.
For the first time in six years, employee concerns will no longer worry me. There were some weeks that I spent more than 40 hours just dealing with people. And their shenanigans. While I will still have personalities and perceptions to manage, I will have people to manage the people. I will welcome quieter days without Human Resources issues galore (and the requisite documentation that accompanies them!)
For the first time in six years, I will enjoy the month of July. July is budget month in the land of hospital management. Last year, it was particularly gory and I don't think we saw the light of day from July 15-August 10. Then we all had the post traumatic stress of having to catch up on everything from that month in the dungeon (a.k.a. conference room). Once July 4 comes and goes, I know it's pretty much over until Labor Day. But no longer! I will welcome summer months that do not end in something called a "budget hearing." Well, that's not entirely true - I will have two budgets to prepeare. Not 110 like in 2014. I will have a July!
For the first time in six years, my personal wellbeing and "centeredness" is an expectation of my position. Wellbeing and work/life balance are the first things that go out the window in healthcare. It's always "do more with less" and sometimes, there just isn't enough time, energy, funding, etc. to go around. You cut corners. You cut budgets. You cut staffing. You end up giving yourself massive eye strain as you answer dozens of emails from your cell phone or laptop after dinner. You're forever checking your phone for new alerts because healthcare never stops and dammit, neither should you. I will welcome a lifestyle change that, while certainly stressful, is expecting me to take care of myself. Instead of managing nit-picky details and following up on countless tasks, my job will be the implementation of philosophy. A doing of ethics. Teaching execs how to lead. Higher-level system activities. It has the potential for huge stress but the expectation that I practice presence. I will welcome this change in philosophy. I will take care of myself. Caring for myself is no longer an indulgence...
Isn't it funny the concessions we make along the way? My "normal" became a constant job that never stopped (even during snowstorms), where I spent countless hours managing people, tasks, and strategy. I dreaded (and I mean DREADED) the months of July and August. And where it felt so self-indulgent to take care of myself and sleep when I needed to sleep. Or go to the doctor for a physical. Or get my glasses adjusted because they no longer fit my face. Or to exercise to feel better. I put off nearly everything I needed to function as a human, much less a successful leader. I somehow made it through...but now I'm putting the pieces back together.
And I got my glasses fixed.
This new world is unsettling and wonderful. I check my email after dinner and instead of seeing 30 new messages since 5:00 pm, I see 3. And one might be junk mail. It will surely pick up next week when I officially start the new gig...but for now, I'll take it. I'll welcome the pause. Maybe we'll have a snowstorm blow in so I can have my first snow day in a very long time.
I'll welcome the heavy eyelids now and go back to bed.
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