Netflix and Chill - On Doctors' Orders

Where the heck does time go?

How is it mid-April?  Whaaaa?

If I honestly listen to my body, it thinks it is early February.  Maybe February 12?  So the fact that spring is in full effect is throwing me off-kilter.  

So I'm on medical leave.  You've probably seen this coming.  I have not but yet, I sort of anticipated some sort of body-breaking havoc that would throw me in the ER when I was in the middle of a random meeting.

So what happened?  I was in a meeting with a colleague, in the cafeteria for a working lunch.  And felt awful.  Like my head was going to explode and that I needed to A) puke B) pass out or C) call for freaking help.  I texted my former imaging employee, "Mallow" and asked if I could get a quick BP reading.  I know I have high blood pressure at times and I've leaned on her before for BP readings when at the hospital.  

Yes, I have places I go in the hospital where they will covertly take my BP.  It is all who you know.

For realz.

Anyway, Mallow was in the cafeteria as I was texting her and she whisked me down to Imaging for a BP and quick EKG.  Thank goodness it was time for noonday prayer because I needed to sit for a moment to calm my heart rate while trying not to barf in technicolor tones.  Mallow and my colleague with whom I was lunching picked up all my stuff.  They walked me back to Imaging.  Honestly, I don't recall the walk.  I think I was too worried about not appearing ill.   Not like I'd ever do that.  Nope.  NOPE.

Mallow quickly hooked me up to the BP machine and started the EKG.  I wasn't actively having a heart attack but my BP was 178/134.  The hell? 

I felt so awful that I let them take me to the ER.  Honestly, I was so weak and felt so awful that I let them wheel me over there.   Mallow was taking me around the corner to the "public" entrance and lo and behold, the director of the emergency department was coming out the back door of the ER.  He looked at me like, "Dorrie?!"  I said, "Leather Portfolio Man?"  He must have seen my face, extremely pale and sweaty and scared.   Armed with a fancy suit and a leather portfolio, the ER director gave me my own private room and there were doctors awaiting me before I even got into the room.  I was totally willing to enter the ER via the normal routes but in that time of crazy, stroke-level blood pressure, I completely accepted the healthcare administrators' caste system.  I was healthcare royalty.  And I let them fawn over me, with their EKG palm fronds and telemetry misting machines.  I kid about the palm fronds but if I'm ever going to have a major health crisis anywhere, I'd like it to be at that hospital.  Maybe I should move my office back to the hospital just in case....

Seriously, it is all who you know.  My tests were so fast that I hoped the common folk got this type of treatment.  

#I'mNotAPlebe

Anyway, my stress test sucked.  Dr. McAwesomeSauce ordered a stat stress and my BP topped out at 218/150-something.  My BP was too high to begin the stress test - the doctor came in to supervise my exam.  Man, was it awful.  When the techs are yelling out your BP every few seconds and asking if they should stop the test, you start to question most things in your life.  Am I in a hospital?  Sure.  Am I at peace with God?   I'm scared and need Jack to come in here and tell me a story to distract me?  Hang in there, Dorrie!  How quickly can people get to me if I code?   {That's the kind of crap that goes through your head when you're feeling that awful.}

I was in training for a half marathon and was diagnosed with "low exercise tolerance" in a stress test?   Ummmm.    I'm pretty sure I can walk 15 miles if you ask me to.  Oh, wait.  $&#$!%@.  Something is definitely up and I need to figure out what is going on.  

I was discharged from the hospital with a new BP med.  Jack filled it and I took the medicine.   I immediately felt a bit better but man, what a conversion experience. 

I don't want to die.   Or be in the hospital.   Or be on medical leave.  Except that I'm on medical leave. 

People have been warning me for years that I am running at too fast a pace, trying to do too much too quickly.  Honestly, the hard work has gotten me to this place in my life with a well-paying job that I love (even if I do not always love my coworker!  Ha).  I feel pretty awful today and while it's 75 and sunny outside, I can't bring myself to leave my recliner.  I have all of the windows open so it's just as good as being outside, right?.    

If we're honest with this whole thing, I knew this was coming.  Whatever *this* is.  I'm not sure what *this* is yet.  I'm surprised that my body withstood this insane pace for as long as it did and I'm not entirely shocked that it broke down.  So I am undergoing a barrage of tests this week and feel somewhat violated by all the blood collection, imaging, and other tests.  At this point, my doctors think I have an underlying adrenal issue that is causing all of the cardiac stuff (and physical inability to relax - which makes total sense to me.  I stress out on the beach).  It's hard to diagnose that kind of thing (hence all of the tests) but I'm glad my heart seems to be okay.  I gloomily joke that I will be in the cath lab by 40 and even though my ticker is strong, this was a big scare.       

My boss kindly suggested that we cancel everything this week and I agreed heartily.  So it's been a pretty relaxing week - lots of "Netflix and chill."  I cannot recall the last time I ever took a week off of work to just stay home.  My work laptop even got the "blue screen of doom" and it looks as though I will need a new one.  Darn.  Guess God doesn't want me working yet.

Speaking of God, this wasn't an awesome Lent for me.  It started off very well and with a bunch of work crud flaring up and continued (insane) travel, it was sometimes a sacrifice to just get out of bed.  A good friend suggested that I simply make getting out of bed each morning an intentional act of faith.  So that helped a little and mitigates my sadness that I wasn't faithful to the many Lenten promises I made.  I had high hopes!  However, it wasn't a complete bust and I learned a lot about myself along the way.  Last year, I gave myself an A- for Lent and while this year is more of a C, the reflection and quiet times are all worth it.  I've been better at breathing and mindfulness (even while driving - but the Apple Watch helps with that since it reminds you to breathe!), am eating much better than I did before, 'religiously' take my meds (something with which I struggle), limit my social media, and I still didn't eat sweets.  I've given up sweets for Lent since I was 7 but there is nothing like a Cadbury Egg on Easter!

I know, it's elementary.  But if that's all I can manage with all this work stuff, health stuff, and oh yeah, school stuff, I hope God is pleased with that.  As we say in Italy, sometimes you just have to declare a victory.  I really like that saying - celebrate the small wins, don't beat yourself up, and move on.  The Italians have lower blood pressure as a nation and I can see why.       

Maybe that's it.  Maybe we need to move to Tuscany.  

#I'mOutOfHere!