Bottoms Up

It’s been a weird day.

I am writing this from my hotel bed, snuggled up in my jammies at 7:28 p.m., local time.  I ran an ethics conference for our system today and it went very well…and I had three separate speeches as part of the conference.  It felt a bit like running a wedding and getting married at the same time.  Evaluations were awesome and I feel as though I turned a corner in my public speaking.  I ad-libbed two of my three parts and I think they were perceived as natural and authentic. 

Today was the first time I was publicly recognized as an ethicist.  To all of the top leadership and physicians in our healthcare system.  I received an unofficial promotion in professionalism from “Ethics Director” to “Ethicist.”  It’s a subtle difference; that somewhere in the collective psyche, I crossed a line in the sand.  In my earlier days of this blog, I struggled to understand what “administrator” entailed.  I knew what it meant on paper, but what did it mean to embody that title?  Now I am grappling with what it means to be an ethicist, having somehow been granted this authority.  I have been fighting for some decent recognition for the past several years and it seems as though a few weeks after I stop trying, I finally earn that respect. 

I have been trying to pinpoint when this change occurred….I spent some time in the hospital and on medical leave for astronomically-high blood pressure.  My boss spent some time with one of my professors who apparently talked about me as a student at length.  And Easter happened.  Maybe it was an Easter miracle, maybe a combination of these other things.  But suddenly, I’m perceived as an ethicist.  Maybe it’s one of those “stop trying and it will happen” sort of things. 

Also of note today, my board chair announced at the ethics conference that I would be stepping back from my ministerial leadership role with the Leadership Enhancement Program.  That ethics has become so busy that I cannot possible maintain both and school and stay alive (she said that to a group of 150 system execs).  Perhaps that was part of the clincher in my transition to ethicist…I’m out of my “training” phase and doing this “for real” now?  Who knows. 

All I know is that my shoulders feel a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT lighter this evening.  I stressed pretty hardcore about this conference and the job transition piece.  Now that both are complete, I feel like a different person.  Free.  Absolved.  Released.  For once able to focus on my own happiness…at least I think that is what that feeling is.  Hence the lavish use of time to reflect when I have 427 – wait, I mean 429 unanswered emails in my inbox right now.

I mentioned that I am writing this from my hotel room.  I am a stone’s throw from my house when we lived out here in Chicagoland.  Jack and I talk about those times and they feel so very dark when we reflect back on them.  Neither one of us liked our jobs and while we enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with a job well done, the darkness tends to seep in after a while.  You get stuck in that day-by-day life of survival, stringing together some days until you finally get to a weekend and can breathe for a minute (before diving into homework).  Life became so routinized that we can pretty much summarize our time here in a sentence:  Hard freaking work, long 12-14 hour days, Friday night partying, schoolwork, mass, shopping, time with our good friends, repeat.  Throw in a few dashes of insomnia, stomach acid, and road rage and the mix is complete.

I changed out of my suit after conference and per Jack’s recommendation, tried a new brewery right by this hotel.  It was wonderful – a pulled pork to die for and some imperial IPAs rivaling some of the best I’ve had.  Side note: I met a retired attorney at the bar, whose daughter I graduated high school with back in the day.  Mr. Lawyer was impressed at my beer knowledge and I credited it to Jack.  Jack is the one who made sure I could identify Amarillo hops from Cascade and what makes an Imperial IPA different from other IPAs.  I’m a hot commodity in breweries (Ha). 

After dinner, since I was literally still in my old ‘hood, I took a drive.  Man, it just felt dark.  It was windy, cold, and rainy; it ALWAYS felt windy, cold, and rainy in Chicagoland.  It is a suitable metaphor for how I felt during those rough times.  Our old house felt small, cramped, almost institutional.  Like that was a tiny touchstone of normal in a chaotic world that threatened to eat us alive if we let our guards down even a little.  We were SO intense.  Blame it on the imperial IPA but tonight became a game of “I wish I knew then what I know now.”  Sitting at a traffic light I encountered probably a hundred times five years ago, I wished I had known that our hard work would pay off and that I’d be returning to these parts on business, employed to follow my passion.  I wish I knew that we wouldn’t have to worry about money.  I wish I knew that I would come out on the other side, having gotten through the deepest, darkest muck I can imagine.  Lots of separation from Jack because of travel and I cannot even tell you how many 16+hour work days.  Honestly, I’m grateful that all I have is high blood pressure.  By this stage in the game, I’m kind of surprised I haven’t had a more serious intervention.  Thanking God for that. 

I haven’t emerged on the “other side” yet but I feel a decent measure of success that I made it at least most of the way through.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The worst really is over. 

I feel so grateful to Jack and my loving friends who have accompanied me on this crazy journey, not questioning my insane career goals or multi-tasking skills in balancing school, work, travel, and occasional weekend-long parties at Chez Dorrie.  Thank you for not giving up on me.  Jack, thank YOU for not giving up on me and for sticking by my side through thick and thin – all of the travel between South Bend and Chicago for that year and a half, Chicago and Indianapolis for that 6 months, and my ongoing business travel these past few years.  You always make sure I come home to a hot dinner, a welcoming hug, and an enveloping sense of belonging – that wherever you are IS home.    

I have a lot of travel in the next few weeks, including another trip to Italy to lead a pilgrimage.  But despite all of this travel and career success, I can’t wait to throw myself in your arms and retire to our beautiful patio to share drinks, laughter, and tales from our days over the bonfire.  Even on a weekday.    

I reflected on our five-years-ago-selves tonight and if we’re even half this happy in another five years, I’ll count myself among the luckiest of women on this planet.  

............Also, if you're not barfing by now with my cheesiness, please also note that I had NO idea what "Netflix and Chill" meant until a few days ago.  I swear....so stuck in 2013!  Sorry about that!