Chicago Drivers

Chicago drivers are, well, you know:

I found that picture a while back and have been waiting for the proper occasion to use it! I know that some of you consider me an offensive driver (even a blind driver) and let me tell you, some of these Chicago drivers put my offensiveness to shame. They are downright aggressive.

Just the other day, I was tooling home on the Tri-State, averaging 75 mph. A driver in front of me spontaneously changed lanes and cut off a second driver. I actually held my breath, channeled the adrenaline, waited for impact, and prepared to switch lanes to avoid the certain accident. As it was, the first driver sheered off a few paint flakes from the second driver’s bumper and no one had to be air-lifted to St. Fozzie’s for immediate organ harvesting. I caught myself growing content and quickly reverted back to the “10 and 2” hands position…it could be my bumper off of which they sheer paint next time! Goshdarnitalltoheck, it was a close one.

This morning, it was rainy, foggy, and windy on I-94. I couldn’t see more than 40 or 50 yards in front of me. You know the weather is atrocious when the fast lane is moving at 50 mph and the slower lanes are a semi-truck parking lot. This is usually when the involuntary Hail Mary's kick in, like a tick I cannot control. I changed the radio station from Lady Gaga to Jason Mraz and was able to slow down and ensure my safety.

That reminds me of a theory I’m developing. As soon as I refine this, I will forward it to the Department of Transportation. You have four or five lanes on your typical urban interstate. Instead of people zipping in and out of the lanes like fortified maniacs, let’s introduce some order into the situation. For the slowest, right-hand lands, mandate that drivers’ radio stations only play classical, jazz, or talk radio. Maybe some Yanni or light piano classicals. For the third-fastest lane, those people can listen to boppy 80’s, adult contemporary, or Christian. I’m thinking Phil Collins, Tina Turner, and Leona Lewis are allowed here (your Sunny 101.5 playlist). In the second-fastest lane, drivers may listen to rock, classic rock, or alternative bands such as Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Aerosmith, and U2. And in the fastest lane, you must listen to speed metal, electronica, or dance. Think Megadeath and the Trainspotting soundtrack!

Your music selection dictates how you drive. And that is why accidents happen: someone in the classical lane crosses paths with someone in the speed metal lane! I’m on to something here, aren’t I?!