I usually use this blog to showcase my work experience, think through random events and try to make sense of them, or to tell you funny or interesting tidbits from my existence. It's now that time again to vent. Get ready, because a whole projectile, technicolor verbal vomit is headed your way!I'm scared.
I hate not knowing where I'm going to be and not being able to see the road in front of me. I hate that each new piece of career information is just creating more questions right now. In short, I hate uncertainty. If I could have one super talent like God, I'd surely pass up being able to grant myself a financial windfall or having x-ray vision to see through Keanu Reeves' clothes. The one super power I wish I had would be the ability to know the future.
The whole crystal ball notion is a bit cliche, but uncertainty is certainly where I cut my teeth, faith-wise. You'd think that after 30 years of a steady diet of religion, I'd be over this struggling by now. I should be able to know my uncertainties, step back, and let God handle everything. Yes, this is what the mature, faithful person does. They are able to let go and not let worries and uncertainties rob them of precious sleep.
Not that I did that. Nope. Not at all!
I know it WILL work out eventually. God wouldn’t have brought me this far for it to not work out. It’s just a little challenge/bump in the road. It doesn’t necessarily I get a free pass out of not questioning or struggling. In fact, that’s what makes faith stronger. Faith without challenge is easy, but it’s also worthless. God wants me and everyone else to think and struggle and all of that stuff because it’s that much better when everything works itself out and then you KNOW, y'know?
I'm trying hard not to believe because I've seen it (which isn’t what God wants). God wants belief and faith because I feel it, which also means that it’s not always perfect and I have to keep working at it. Grrr. Just like this time last year, I would like a big, glaring neon sign from God that says, "Work at St. Fozzie's, live in South Loop, and send Jack to night school because he will quickly land a great job in the city. You will be financially secure and will not have to worry about anything." I'd even take an answer like, "Quit your jobs, live in a shed, and go pick lice for a living."
Kudos to Therese for giving me the lice-picking idea. Nice!
Anyway, it's frustrating me to no end, 1) that my dumb imagination is running away from me, in regards to our future living/working situations AND 2) that I don't currently have enough faith to just let go and let God do His thing. If you're the praying sort, please drop a line to the Big Guy for me, for a glimpse of that Vegas-style neon sign (or the faith and peace to give it over to God)!
Interesting post. You don't often show your...weak side. Not that questioning and wanting some sort of sign is weak, you're usually just so darn confident and have all your stuff together. It's somewhat relieving to see you question things like you are merely mortal. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd lice picking? GROSS! Where would you move to do that?????
Let me know when you start your lice picking business :)
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