I cried on the drive home from work today.
It wasn't the first time I've cried on my commute home.
The last time I remember commute-crying, I was still in Chicago and felt so overburdened by the weighty projects sagging my weary shoulders. The tears were more of the "How in the world will I EVER accomplish this?" type versus today's tears.
Today's tears were of the "I'm so sorry I had to do that to you today" type.
Leadership is never easy. Sometimes people regard leaders as managers who sit in board rooms, discussing hypothetical policy changes, immune to what's REALLY happening on the front line. I've been accused of such, that I have "no idea" what the "real world" is like; that I sit in my plush office and collect my lucrative paycheck without feeling any pain.
Most days hurt. Today flat-out sucked.
As part of a system-wide layoff today, I had to tell 14 people that I was wrecking their lives. I had to take six badges away from people, escorting them out of the hospital forever. I had to tell four more that I was making their full-time employment half-time (slashing pay and benefits). The rest? They went from regular, comfortable 8am-4pm shifts, to graveyard, midnight to 8 am shifts.
I was popular today. Whenever my staff see me coming, they immediately assume someone's getting laid off or fired. It's great.
I traveled to four of my seven campuses, delivering terrible news to employees. What's funny is that I didn't truly realize what I was doing. I mean, I knew I was eliminating peoples' jobs, a-la "Up in the Air." But I got through each employee meeting with dry eyes and a moderately-upset stomach.
It wasn't until I was on the way home, on the busy Chicago-like interstate, that I read the press release from our healthcare system.
[Relax, I was in standstill traffic. We hadn't moved an inch in 4 minutes.]
But something strange hit me when I read that press release. It talked about the terribleness of Obamacare on the nation's hospitals, that we are forced to do more with less, provide healthcare access for the formerly-self insured population, and do it with less reimbursements and at higher quality. Then it said one painful line........."Those affected by the layoff have been notified today."
Today?
That's what I did today? I "notified" several people in my wonderful staff that they no longer had jobs. Or full-time employment. Or even regular employment.
Cue the "I can't believe I did this to you" tears. It was brief, but new territory for me. I'm used to shedding a few tears every now and then about the mounting, heavy responsibilities of hospital management, uncertain of how my measly shoulders will handle it all.
Today? I guess I felt some humanity as I shattered several lives.
It's so different to fire an employee. They bring it upon themselves and force you into that position. This time, I had to tell innocent people that they're done.
Humanity. Humanity is a good thing. My stomach is still upset and the future's uncertain.
I'm going to be grateful for my humanity today...and hopefully, the good that I have been able to do today for our overall healthcare ministry.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Are There Monks in the Caribbean?
I'm sorry if that last post was a little revealing. Jack was all like, "did you really just write about your mammogram? Eww."
I'm one for transparency. Why hide my experiences when I can gross out my friends?
We're feeling reflective today. It's a Monday night and both Jack and I are laying in our respective recliners, grimacing from bad headaches and weird body aches that plagued us both through a Monday. It just seems as though winter hit so quickly; it was 78 and sunny last Tuesday and I'm staring at my iPhone, unable to believe that accumulating snows are on their way for Wednesday's forecast.
Cue the Thera Flu. Good thing we have an electronic yuppie fireplace in our new house. Flip a switch! And whoosh! Fake flames galore. At least it took the edge off the chills we both have!
I could use a sick day off work. Things have been brutal. The type of brutal that, despite my 8-minute commute and gorgeous closet where I can pre-plan my pantsuit rotation for three weeks, I have resumed wondering if I'm barking up the wrong proverbial career tree.
I have this wonderment every few months, necessitating a mental health day where I watch reruns of Friends, drink pre-mixed margaritas, and make bacon-cheese steak fries. I then convince myself that I'm okay and I return to the treadmill of work, eager to thrust myself into the Rat Race once again. I. Can. Keep. Going! Yes! I'm a machine! A completely-overscheduled machine who's always running the Indy 500 without ever making a pit stop.
It's bad when my assistant actually told me to cool it for a while. She's 3 years my senior and every bit the mother hen. She's the one who truly runs my life and the pace of my days is directly proportionate to her optimism for life. If she's mad or bummed, I'm less scheduled. If she's happy and in an achieving mindset, I'm booked for 10 hours straight, for 4 weeks straight. It's rather funny. When something bad happens, she'll exclaim, "OH NO!" But it comes out sounding throaty and raw, like Animal from the Muppets. "OH NO!"
[EVERYTHING ties back to the Muppets here.]
Something I learned recently from Jack is that all of life is cyclical. You're never on your game 100% all the time. You're never completely fit and healthy 100% of the time. You have to take SOME days off from being a rockstar. Sometimes you just don't have the 6-pack abs or sculpted shoulders. Sometimes you have to coast at work. Or in life- whatever your station. Cereal for dinner? Fine! Sleeping on fresh towels because we forgot to wash the pillowcases? So be it! Buying two pairs of larger pants because I haven't made it to the gym? FINE (albeit- I'm still mad).
I keep thinking about the Cayman Islands or a quiet monastery or even the Irish countryside. I'm craving peace and quiet, unscheduled days, and lack of wifi or cell service. I want to travel to Zimbabwe or go on a Caribbean cruise where internet access is $3.99 per second. I want to be unreachable so I can regain my own equilibrium.
But will it help? Is that momentary peace sustainable?
I think my problem is that I am addicted to being needed at work. [Some call it workaholism, I just call it over-achieving tendencies. But whatever.] I served my first stint as Administrator on Call last week at St. Gonzo's and loved that I was paged at random times to tend to random would-be emergencies. I liked that they needed me. I like being busy and overscheduled...until my body gives out and I'm laying around listlessly on a Monday night, listening to Enya while Jack cooks homemade Manwich, while I complain to you poor people!
What's the balance? Is there one? I'm not sure I can find a balance while I work in the complex juggling act of healthcare. Do more with less, while receiving less reimbursement and the government is demanding higher quality. Something has to give.
I just hope it's not me. I'll be on retreat in the monastery on the Cayman Islands!
I'm one for transparency. Why hide my experiences when I can gross out my friends?
We're feeling reflective today. It's a Monday night and both Jack and I are laying in our respective recliners, grimacing from bad headaches and weird body aches that plagued us both through a Monday. It just seems as though winter hit so quickly; it was 78 and sunny last Tuesday and I'm staring at my iPhone, unable to believe that accumulating snows are on their way for Wednesday's forecast.
Cue the Thera Flu. Good thing we have an electronic yuppie fireplace in our new house. Flip a switch! And whoosh! Fake flames galore. At least it took the edge off the chills we both have!
I could use a sick day off work. Things have been brutal. The type of brutal that, despite my 8-minute commute and gorgeous closet where I can pre-plan my pantsuit rotation for three weeks, I have resumed wondering if I'm barking up the wrong proverbial career tree.
I have this wonderment every few months, necessitating a mental health day where I watch reruns of Friends, drink pre-mixed margaritas, and make bacon-cheese steak fries. I then convince myself that I'm okay and I return to the treadmill of work, eager to thrust myself into the Rat Race once again. I. Can. Keep. Going! Yes! I'm a machine! A completely-overscheduled machine who's always running the Indy 500 without ever making a pit stop.
It's bad when my assistant actually told me to cool it for a while. She's 3 years my senior and every bit the mother hen. She's the one who truly runs my life and the pace of my days is directly proportionate to her optimism for life. If she's mad or bummed, I'm less scheduled. If she's happy and in an achieving mindset, I'm booked for 10 hours straight, for 4 weeks straight. It's rather funny. When something bad happens, she'll exclaim, "OH NO!" But it comes out sounding throaty and raw, like Animal from the Muppets. "OH NO!"
[EVERYTHING ties back to the Muppets here.]
Something I learned recently from Jack is that all of life is cyclical. You're never on your game 100% all the time. You're never completely fit and healthy 100% of the time. You have to take SOME days off from being a rockstar. Sometimes you just don't have the 6-pack abs or sculpted shoulders. Sometimes you have to coast at work. Or in life- whatever your station. Cereal for dinner? Fine! Sleeping on fresh towels because we forgot to wash the pillowcases? So be it! Buying two pairs of larger pants because I haven't made it to the gym? FINE (albeit- I'm still mad).
I keep thinking about the Cayman Islands or a quiet monastery or even the Irish countryside. I'm craving peace and quiet, unscheduled days, and lack of wifi or cell service. I want to travel to Zimbabwe or go on a Caribbean cruise where internet access is $3.99 per second. I want to be unreachable so I can regain my own equilibrium.
But will it help? Is that momentary peace sustainable?
I think my problem is that I am addicted to being needed at work. [Some call it workaholism, I just call it over-achieving tendencies. But whatever.] I served my first stint as Administrator on Call last week at St. Gonzo's and loved that I was paged at random times to tend to random would-be emergencies. I liked that they needed me. I like being busy and overscheduled...until my body gives out and I'm laying around listlessly on a Monday night, listening to Enya while Jack cooks homemade Manwich, while I complain to you poor people!
What's the balance? Is there one? I'm not sure I can find a balance while I work in the complex juggling act of healthcare. Do more with less, while receiving less reimbursement and the government is demanding higher quality. Something has to give.
I just hope it's not me. I'll be on retreat in the monastery on the Cayman Islands!
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