Wait, I Guess That's Me, Too

I'm on a quick, much-needed break from having studied Aquinas for the last three hours without a break.  This stuff's deep.  While I love theology and the philosophical logic needed to study it well, it's exhausting.  

[I've also noticed that when I'm in school, I blog more often.  Must be a procrastinatory measure!]

Anyway, I survived Wednesday but had a couple interesting revelations.  After a long day at work, I found my way to the IUPUI campus, to the School of Nursing building.  It was an older building and reminded me of the buildings I frequented during my first two degrees.  You slog through these classes, lost among the trees in the forest, just trying to survive each day, week, semester.  

I watched students slogging through the hallways, shoulders already weary from the weight of life obligations and the burning drive to finish their respective degree programs.  The air hangs heavy with exhaustion and perseverance as everyone's collectively already looking forward to May.  

I will be working with a group of five graduate students at work, as they seek to understand and fix some perplexing problems in the hospital.  It's a real-life practicum.  But those students held up a mirror for me; I remember when I was that exhausted grad student, just trying to survive the daily grind of a full-time job, school, and a marriage/family/friends, all while sneaking in a workout or two to keep my waist in shape.  

I looked back on those few years with some nostalgia.  I remembered the days when I'd leave the house at 7 am (in the dark) and get home at 9 pm (in the dark).  When I had classes on Tuesday and Wednesday, I did not see the sun between Monday evening and Thursday morning.  Oftentimes, I'd glance at the clock in my car and see 7:13 and have to legitimately wonder if it meant "AM" or "PM."  

As I walked through campus Wednesday night, trying to use my trench coat to shield me from the freezing winds, I envied the grad students.  They're getting such an exercise in endurance and perseverence!  They're filling their minds with knowledge and actively trying to better themselves!  I sort of wished I was in school again.

Then it dawned on me...I *AM* in school again.  Maybe I'm still in denial about having to read a good chunk of the Summa in 16 weeks.  But as I drove home through downtown Indianapolis (knowing my way around well enough already to not need Siri), I felt grateful for the crazy challenge of Thomas Aquinas.  Because like those grad students I met, I'm back in that same place of honing my own endurance and perseverence - knowing that these difficult times make me stronger for whatever lies ahead.     

Purgatory

It's 11:31 pm and I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am to discipline a night shift employee.  Tomorrow's a 14+ hour day, that starts with said meeting and ends with a class I am co-teaching on Health Outcomes for IU's MHA/MSN students.  I'm thrilled for the opportunities in my life but I just wish they were spaced out a bit more!

So I started this grad school class yesterday (as in, the class opened Monday at 8 a.m).  I quickly read and digested the syllabus like any over-achieving student would do, and learned that the first paper was due Wednesday at midnight.  A scant 60 hours after the course began.  Um, whaaaa?  Some of us, you know, work for a living??!  To make matters extremely worse and acid-producing, the 1000 word paper is over two questions in the Summa Theologiae.  

Am I burning off some time in purgatory?

So after working 7 am - 6 pm, I begrudgingly jumped on the treadmill with my iPad to start reading the selection.  This was about 1/80th of what I had to read tonight (verbatim, from Part 1, Question 3).  

"First, whatever a thing has besides its essence must be caused either by the constituent principles of that essence (like a property that necessarily accompanies the species--as the faculty of laughing is proper to a man--and is caused by the constituent principles of the species), or by some exterior agent--as heat is caused in water by fire. Therefore, if the existence of a thing differs from its essence, this existence must be caused either by some exterior agent or by its essential principles. Now it is impossible for a thing's existence to be caused by its essential constituent principles, for nothing can be the sufficient cause of its own existence, if its existence is caused. Therefore that thing, whose existence differs from its essence, must have its existence caused by another. But this cannot be true of God; because we call God the first efficient cause. Therefore it is impossible that in God His existence should differ from His essence."

So....God's His own Essence?  Yeah...Got it.

The rough draft I just eeked out is 1005 words long.  A first for me, I'm NOT editing for content so as to jeopardize my word count!

This semester is going to suck.  No wonder all the students have been calling this the weed-out class. Too bad I'm already too invested now.  

I'll see you in May (if I live that long!)

Like 98.4% of Americans

So what's your New Year's Resolution?  Are you going to lose weight?  Be more healthy?  Maybe go back to school or finally start that new hobby?

Yeah, me too.  Pretty cliche this year.  

I never really regained my sense of balance since upheaving my whole life (and Jack's) this past year.  I received the phone call on January 2, from the COO of St. Gonzo's, about interviewing for this big job he thought fit me.  I received that phone call one year ago today, just when I thought I was adjusting to the Chicagoan rat race, feeling decent about my career, and I had just finished glamming up our villa.

Two weeks later, I survived a six-hour day of interviews and was offered the job on the spot.

The next week, I submitted my resignation and settled upon a termination date.  February 20.

On Feb. 1, we traveled to Indianapolis to find me a house to start the whole distance-marriage thing again.  After looking at 9 unavailable properties, we dined with a friend from middle school who just happened to have a condo neighbor looking to rent their townhouse.  We ate at Don Shula's as part of "Devour Downtown."  It was 4 degrees above zero and we discovered that our new friends liked wine and bacon.

The next day, I signed for the condo while Jack started organizing movers and supplies.  We contacted a realtor to photograph our villa for listing.  

The weeks leading up to February 20 were a blur.  I cannot ever remember working so much.  They were not replacing my position and so I parceled my work out to 6 different directors.  On my last day of work, my colleagues threw me a going-away party and Jack surprised me by having my mom travel to Chicago by train.  He left momentarily and ushered my mom to my party.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw my mom waltz into a Chicagoan sports bar.  

On February 21, we power-packed.  Laced with caffeine, we packed up the entire house in about 12 hours.  I treated her to an Italian dinner that night, where we about fell asleep at the table.

The movers arrived early on February 22.  Jack followed them to Indy while mom and I stayed back to perfect the remaining items for Jack's return after the weekend.  The semi and Jack traveled down I-65 without a problem.  By the time mom and I left an hour later, a massive pile-up occurred on 65, leaving us stranded on the highway for almost 5 hours.  The 3.25 hour trip to Indy took 8 hours.  We arrived in Indy dead tired (again); by the time we got there, Jack and my dad had all the furniture set up and beds made so momma and I could crash.

I started my new job on February 25.  It was intense and I worked 12 hours even that first day.  My commute was 35 minutes one way and I quickly resorted to my "I'm alone" diet of Lean Cuisines and/or granola bars.  Jack kept his job in Chicago and commuted to Indy for the weekends.  We spent our weekends alternating between total couch-surfing and exploring downtown Indy's restaurants.  

March was a blur of long days, long commutes, and long loneliness.  I was in a grad school class and I remember March being yucky, paper-wise.  I also had a lot of homework for the Franciscan leadership program.  We listed our house on the market and it sold in 3 hours.  At a huge profit.

In April, the long days finally caught up to me and I came down with a hacking cough that turned into walking pneumonia.  I didn't even have a doctor yet, so I had to trouble my VPMA for an antibiotics script.  He also gave me codeine so I could sleep and that's when I wrecked my reputation forever with Jack.  I hadn't taken codeine in 25 years but I was desperate.  I took a healthy dose, curled up in bed, and flipped on Showtime to catch a flick.  When Jack arrived from Chi that evening, he discovered that I had somehow put "Mean Girls" on repeat.  You try explaining that, in your codeine haze, you considered Lindsay Lohan to be a decent actress. 

Easter fell on April 25 and when I had to leave Jack behind in Chicago (I travelled up there for the holiday), I fell apart.  I couldn't do the commuter marriage anymore.  I asked Jack to submit his resignation that Monday and move to Indy permanently.  He did and did.  His boss was awesome and let him work remotely from Indy.

May introduced us to race month in Indy.  From our condo, we could hear the race cars practicing at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  We're not exactly racing enthusiasts, but it was really cool to sit on the back patio and hear all the "vrrrrrooom!  Vroom, vroom, vroom!" from a few miles away.  We also discovered Broad Ripple in May and Sakura sushi.

In June, I spent $5M on three new MRI scanners to completely upgrade the hospital's equipment.  I finished crafting the deal from my bathing suit on the beach.  We continued our tradition of vacationing with Vera and Mr. Vera on Lake Michigan.  They've transitioned from friends to family and we love them.  The week consisted of laying on the beach, cycling the lakeside, and sipping local wines.  Doesn't get much better.  Except that I fell down 9 steps and heavily bruised my backside.  I was heading down a 100 steps to the beach and in the morning drizzle, didn't realize that the bottom steps were coated in algae.  

That bruise lasted 3 weeks.  Charming, eh?

In July, I found myself on several airplanes, doing business in Minneapolis, Chicago, and Milwaukee.    Jack and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary by dining at St Elmo's Steakhouse.  The $17 shrimp cocktail is totally and utterly worth it.  I'm making it more important to do something meaningful on our wedding anniversaries.  I hate sitting back, not remembering what we did to commemmorate such great days.    

While the summer was decent, hanging out frequently with our next-door neighbors (the ones who found us the condo), my skin started itching.  Our condo was so small and my commute so long.  It's not that I wanted to jump into a house but I had condo fever.  I couldn't take it anymore and had several late, hazy nights where I honestly couldn't remember driving home.  So in August, I called the bank, was approved for a mortgage, and then hired a realtor.  Jack organized several interesting properties in our price range.  After three days driving around Indianapolis, we found a stellar home.  We negotiated a terrific deal on the "inventory" home and our offer on a new house was accepted.  Moving day was set for September 28.

Work exploded after Labor Day and Jack earned more "hero" status by single-handedly packing up the entire condo.  I'm serious - he even packed my dresser drawers, purses, and jewelry.  I did nothing but pathetically cheer him on from the couch when I came home to crash each night.  He'd give me a menial chore, like packing this one frying pan, so I could say that I contributed.  

Moving day was suddenly upon us.  Again, Jack took charge by setting up all utilities, installing the security system, and organizing the movers (seriously, if you ever need help moving, call Jack).  I took a couple days off work to unpack and buy out JC Penney Home Store - all while wandering around the house, not sure it was really my home.  I only set off the new security alarm three times that weekend.  The ADT lady started laughing at me.    

October flew by with my Franciscan leadership program graduation (the reward for completing the program is a week in Rome this May.  Apparently, we get a special tour of the Vatican Museums and an audience with the Papa.  I've been scheming to revisit Italy and can't believe this tremendous opportunity with work colleagues).  We also went to a Notre Dame game and threw my folks a big wedding anniversary party.  They acted like cute kids in love and the party was a great success!

November seems to be the month of depositions for me and I found myself embroiled in a lawsuit from an event that occurred before my arrival.  The COO who recruited me announced his departure from the state for another job and I suddenly realized that I had one lightly-scheduled week after Thanksgiving.  So I booked it and we flew to Florida for a week of grouper, Vitamin D, and seashells.  We ate most of Florida's fresh fish and came home with wonderful tans.  We also discovered Sanuk's.  

My insomnia started getting pretty bad again, even on vacation.  I took my doctor up on her offer to prescribe Ambien.  I hate taking such things, but it's truly better living through pharmaceuticals.

I spent December in a vortex of terror at work.  Several big patient safety and HR issues came blasting to the surface, occupying hours and hours of time.  I stopped working out each evening in honor of more time on the laptop before my eyes involuntarily crossed and I couldn't form coherent sentences.  The week before Christmas was gnarly and I lost my first patient.  An outpatient had a bad reaction and didn't make it.  I watched in disbelief as my own staff led the chest compressions before the ER doctors arrived.  It was a nightmare and the first time I actively watched someone spontaneously die.    

Sometimes I forget I work in a hospital....

But Christmas delivered with its usual promise of family laughter, copious amounts of Bailey's, and reconnecting with people we don't see nearly often enough.  It's exhausting to travel so much but I'd never miss Christmas with the people we love.  I ate all the carbs in South Bend.

So this was all going through my mind the other night, as I prepared for New Year's.  Vera and Mr. Vera visited us in Indy for New Year's (it's a tradition to ring in the new year with them) and we all reflected on our successes and challenges.  We toasted each success and comforted fears and perceived failures.  We boosted each other up for more successes and fewer failings.  Vera and I went downtown for lunch and to shop while the boyz brewed a batch of beer.  After a later "Thanksgiving-esque" dinner, we discovered that our neighbors organized a block party, complete with pudding shots (Oh, the pudding shots.  Why are you so yummy, dear pudding shots?).  

Post pudding shots, we had the success/challenge/failure conversations.  That's when I realized that I never really regained my balance this year.  New job.  New city.  Two moves.  New house.  New friends.  My treadmill has NOT seen enough action this year and I don't drink nearly enough water.  I'm dusting off 20 year-old hobbies such as painting and drawing and I'm resuming this last master's degree here in a couple weeks.  Got. To. Finish. It.

So I'm going to be like 98.4% of America and probably stop working out by January 9th.  But I'm going to take better care of myself and enjoy this life we worked so hard to build.

Happy New Year!