Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Quote Journal: 97%

"Only three percent of adults have written goals, and everyone else works for them."

— Brian Tracy

Love this quote and it lives in my email as a permanent draft item. I've been working my tail off this week and aside from one emergency call to my friendly neighborhood-administrator-turned-mentor, everything's been great. And it's time to get that next round of goals into writing!

I finished my reorganization of three departments today and feel as though I emerged from the tunnel of disdain seemingly unscathed. The people I offered the new positions to took them. And the managers I've been coaching are up to the task of helping their employees succeed in their new roles. This is a good thing and no one questioned anything--not even EVOO or Elvis. I told them I would keep going until they told me to stop. EVOO just laughed at me. I have a feeling the end is NOT in sight. But that's okay; every prize is worth the fight.

Just keep swimming.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Weekend

I have about six pages' worth of crap I could tell you from my past week. Things are looking up and it's important...However, this is my first weekend off, oh, since late August 2010 or so. Even when I took time off from work to recuperate over the weekend, I was still working on ethics. So picture me, without a shred of responsibility on Saturday OR Sunday. I slipped into my usual summer weekend character and, grabbing my swim suit and baseball cap, dashed off to the nearest pool.

Which is in our villa complex. Here I sat for the better part of three hours:



It was fantastic. Throw in a little Jimmy Buffet on the ol' ipod, a boring historical fiction, and some spiked lemonade, well, and you have a good time. Taking a dip every 20 minutes or so to cool off, it felt like vacation. I came home smelling like sun, chlorine, and sunscreen, the perfect vacation perfume. Eau de Summer.

We enjoy a bit of vacation every single weekend. Ever since buying our house with the island in the kitchen, we've spent most Friday and Saturday nights trying new wines and sampling Jack's cooking. Last night, it was an herb encrusted filet with a great cab. If the hours didn't stink, I'd encourage him to start his own restaurant. Chez Jack.

Also, I think I'm changing. Jack thinks I'm just getting older, but aside from my recent adoration of all clothing reminiscent of the 1950's, I have started lingering over historical fiction novels. I used to only read fast-paced action/murder mysteries while listening to the racing beats of club mixes and other songs in the dance/techno genre. Now? I listen to Adele and read boring historical fiction because it relaxes me. I have a literary affair going with Edward Rutherfurd and David McCullough for their seemingly dry recounting of the formation of New York City, Dublin, and London. Don't worry, I have three more books coming my way via Amazon.com. That's my second affair...with amazon.com. Don't tell Jack, okay? TOP SECRET fodder. He has NO idea. Really.

**********************

By the way, did anyone see this video of the shark jumping over the surfer? For the record, this is my single biggest fear when surfing at Cocoa Beach...not drowning, getting stung by jellyfish, but getting eaten alive by a freaking shark.

Remind me to *not* surf at Cocoa Beach. I only got up on my surfboard a few times and generally prefer to body board...but still. Shark is one kind of sushi I *don't* want to try.

Ginger? Wasabi? Check please!

**********************

Well, I have some Adele and a boring book awaiting me. As long as the sunshine holds out, I'm sitting on my patio in the awesomeness of summertime. Jack and I found tiki torches for $2 each yesterday...I foresee a long night on the patio relishing the summer that finally arrived in the Chi. Happy weekend!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

FINALLY

41 short papers, two conferences in Philly, four case studies, one 15-minute oral exam, one mock ethics committee, and one thesis later (consisting of 26 pages, 19 sources, and 49 citations), I am finished with my ethics certification!

I am only awaiting a grade on my thesis. But I'm not waiting to pop the champagne! Time to enjoy the summer and hit the pool!

If anyone wants to buy my ethics paper portfolio, I will be selling it on Ebay for $45,000. Oh wait, that wouldn't be ethical. Nevermind.

And I swear, I'm taking at least a year off before starting another degree program!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Camp Stories

The moment you've all been waiting for, stories from FEMA Camp! I cannot tell you how many times I heard someone say, "This one time, at FEMA Camp..."

It *was* funny, if quite ridiculous!

So I left on Sunday morning and arrived in Atlanta just after noon. Then I caught a bus for the two-hour ride to Anniston, Alabama. It was HOT. And there were big bugs. Those are the two things I will remember most about 'Bama. But we did manage to have some fun along the way, at Fort McClellan, an Army base in the hills of 'Bama, the site of the Center for Domestic Preparedness.

On Sunday night, everything in the bustling metropolis of Anniston was closed. Everything, that is, except Walmart. So my new friend, Nurse Onomatopoeia, and I chartered a ride from base to Wally World in the hopes of some entertainment. The people watching was just as much fun as checking out the local Wally's merchandise:



I would have bought this shirt, but they were sold out. Seriously. So RN Onomatopoeia and I stocked up on our Alabama Crimson Tide t-shirts. I kept thinking it was the "Crimson Wave," not "Crimson Tide," but I was corrected. That would've been funnier had Alabama been a women's college. :) And I dubbed my friend "Nurse Onomatopoeia" because she had a sound effect for everything. An ER/Trauma nurse from Fort Worth, TX, she used sounds more than words for communicating.

On Monday, we were transported to Noble Army Hospital (busing to and from base), an out-of-commission hospital in which we were going to train. It felt official:



Security was TIGHT. Even though they check your badge against your photo ID when you leave base, they check it all AGAIN when you arrive at the hospital. What's going to happen? Spontaneous evolution of human life on the 4 minute bus ride? Regardless, it was probably one of the safest places to be this past week.

There were 60 administrators, RN's, EMS, and fire chiefs in our class. Day 1 consisted mostly of lecture. Nine hours of lecture. After that, we were desperate for some local culture (read: alcohol), so a group of us chartered a bus to a lovely, sophisticated dining establishment called Cooter Brown's. It redefined "hole in the wall."

Seating about 40 people (tops), this was the view from the minuscule loft:



Being total tourists, our group tried Alabama Slammers. The drinks were the color of river water but tasted like fruit punch. They were perfect to accompany the "tasty butts" Cooter's is known for:



It was simply the best BBQ I've ever had. The pork was smoky and the sauce spicy and tangy. However, it was the BBQ that never ended; regardless of how much I ate, my pile of pork BBQ never went down. It regenerated itself. Like *MAGIC* BBQ. Cooter's lived up to its hype, except when we were reclining after our feast, a cockroach scurried across the table. Making one of her characteristic sound effects (kind of like a crazy rooster), RN Onomatopoeia hailed the table's check in 3.78 seconds. Honestly, I wasn't that surprised, but one of the infection preventionists in our group started hyperventilating.

The next morning and four TUMS later, we returned to the hospital for more lecture. Then we did table-top exercises where you think through what you would do in Disaster A, B, or C. They split us up into groups, so we got to know several other folks.

That night, I returned to my room and JUST ABOUT finished my ethics paper. Yes, this is newsworthy.

The next day, day three, was our first simulation. We actually ran the Army hospital during a crisis. It was a terrorism explosion that turned into a nerve gas event with some anthrax thrown in. As hospital incident command, we had to supervise the decontamination of patients, treat the hazmat situation, accommodate hundreds of ER patients (using mass triage) and somehow work with public health to protect society. We ran and ran for 8 hours and everyone was zonked by the end.

That night, a spontaneous party erupted at the FEMA bar, with about 20 people from my class. There was an outdoor picnic area and everyone congregated to share tales from the day. Fueling this were the $1 draft imports in the FEMA bar subsidized by YOU. Your tax dollars at work!

It was interesting, though, because the whole experience was starting to remind me of college. Everything from the cinderblock dorm rooms to the shared bathrooms to the dining hall food with excellent entrees and even better desserts, it was just like college. Except that most people were married and the bizarre late-adolescent courtship rituals were not occurring, thankfully. This is a shot from the inside of FEMA bar. Even it reminded me of Senior Bar at Notre Dame:



Then on Day 4, the last day of training, we had to run the hospital again. This time, it was a bioterrorism attack with small pox. It was insanity and people really got into the exercise. Here is the administrative command post:



Here is the ER:



So the last night, we again congregated in the picnic area to share our gritty stories from the day. A few days ago, we didn't know each other at all; now we were good friends who survived anthrax and small pox and kamikaze terrorists. We swapped phone numbers and email addresses like kids exchanging friendship bracelets at camp, promising to keep in touch as penpals. It was a cross between camp and college and we all feel better prepared to manage our respective hospitals in a time of mass disaster.

The only hiccup during the trip was thanks to my Citibank credit card. I used it in the Alabama outback and when I tried to upgrade myself to business class for the return flight, it was denied. Turns out Citi didn't think I should have been in 'Bama, buying Crimson Wave t-shirts at Wally World! They said it was "outside my usual spending habits."

How funny. And true (as I adjust the Alabama baseball cap I'm wearing)!

Back to the real world and the 548 emails I have awaiting me. My ethics paper is 98%done, I paid off my student loan yesterday, and travel season has come to a close...I smell a party!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

45 Seconds

This is an essay I received from one of my co-patriots in disaster preparedness. It is why I am, despite everything going on around me, am currently at FEMA camp at the CDP to learn how to run a hospital in crisis. It happens and we need to be prepared.

*Reader discretion advised...this is pretty graphic.



45 Seconds: Memoir of an ER Doctor from May 22, 2011.

My name is Dr. Kevin Kikta, and I was one of two emergency room doctors who were on duty at St. John’s Regional Medical Center in Joplin, MO on Sunday May 22,2011.

You never know that it will be the most important day of your life until the day is over. The day started like any other day for me: waking up, eating, going to the gym, showering, and going to my 4:00 pm ER shift. As I drove to the hospital I mentally prepared for my shift as I always do, but nothing could ever have prepared me for what was going to happen on this shift. Things were normal for the first hour and half. At approximately 5:30 pm we received a warning that a tornado had been spotted. . Although I work in Joplin and went to medical school in Oklahoma, I live in New Jersey, and I have never seen or been in a tornado. I learned that a “code gray” was being called. We were to start bringing patients to safer spots within the ED and hospital.

At 5:42 pm a security guard yelled to everyone, “Take cover! We are about to get hit by a tornado!” I ran with a pregnant RN, Shilo Cook, while others scattered to various places, to the only place that I was familiar with in the hospital without windows, a small doctor’s office in the ED. Together, Shilo and I trembled and huddled under a desk. We heard a loud horrifying sound like a large locomotive ripping through the hospital. The whole hospital shook and vibrated as we heard glass shattering, light bulbs popping, walls collapsing, people screaming, the ceiling caving in above us, and water pipes breaking, showering water down on everything. We suffered this in complete darkness, unaware of anyone else’s status, worried, scared. We could feel a tight pressure in our heads as the tornado annihilated the hospital and the surrounding area. The whole process took about 45 seconds, but seemed like eternity. The hospital had just taken a direct hit from a category EF-4 tornado.

Then it was over. Just 45 seconds. 45 long seconds. We looked at each other, terrified, and thanked God that we were alive. We didn’t know, but hoped that it was safe enough to go back out to the ED, find the rest of the staff and patients, and assess our loses.

“Like a bomb went off. ” That’s the only way that I can describe what we saw next. Patients were coming into the ED in droves. It was absolute, utter chaos. They were limping, bleeding, crying, terrified, with debris and glass sticking out of them, just thankful to be alive. The floor was covered with about 3 inches of water, there was no power, not even backup generators, rendering it completely dark and eerie in the ED. The frightening aroma of methane gas leaking from the broken gas lines permeated the air; we knew, but did not dare mention aloud, what that meant. I redoubled my pace.

We had to use flashlights to direct ourselves to the crying and wounded. Where did all the flashlights come from ? I’ll never know, but immediately, and thankfully, my years of training in emergency procedures kicked in. There was no power, but our mental generators, were up and running, and on high test adrenaline. We had no cell phone service in the first hour, so we were not even able to call for help and backup in the ED.

I remember a patient in his early 20’s gasping for breath, telling me that he was going to die. After a quick exam, I removed the large shard of glass from his back, made the clinical diagnosis of a pneumothorax (collapsed lung) and gathered supplies from wherever I could locate them to insert a thoracostomy tube in him. He was a trooper; I’ll never forget his courage. He allowed me to do this without any local anesthetic since none could be found. With his life threatening injuries I knew he was running out of time, and it had to be done. Quickly. Imagine my relief when I heard a big rush of air, and breath sounds again; fortunately, I was able to get him transported out. I immediately moved on to the next patient, an asthmatic in status asthmaticus. We didn’t even have the option of trying a nebulizer treatment or steroids, but I was able to get him intubated using a flashlight that I held in my mouth.

I didn’t even know a lot of the RN’s I was working with. They were from departments scattered all over the hospital. It didn’t matter. We worked as a team, determined to save lives. There were no specialists available-- my orthopedist was trapped in the OR. We were it, and we knew we had to get patients out of the hospital as quickly as possible. As we were shuffling them out, the fire department showed up and helped us to evacuate. Together we worked furiously, motivated by the knowledge and fear that the methane leaks could cause the hospital could blow up at any minute.

Things were no better outside of the ED. I saw a man crushed under a large SUV, still alive, begging for help; another one was dead, impaled by a street sign through his chest. Wounded people were walking, staggering, all over, dazed and shocked. All around us was chaos, reminding me of scenes in a war movie, or newsreels from bombings in Bagdad. Except this was right in front of me and it had happened in just 45 seconds . My own car was blown away. Gone. Seemingly evaporated. We searched within a half mile radius later that night, but never found the car, only the littered, crumpled remains of former cars. And a John Deere tractor that had blown in from miles away.

Tragedy has a way of revealing human goodness. As I worked, surrounded by devastation and suffering, I realized I was not alone. The people of the community of Joplin were absolutely incredible. Within minutes of the horrific event, local residents showed up in pickups and sport utility vehicles, all offering to help transport the wounded to other facilities, including Freeman, the trauma center literally across the street. Ironically, it had sustained only minimal damage and was functioning (although I’m sure overwhelmed). I carried on, grateful for the help of the community. At one point I had placed a conscious intubated patient in the back of a pickup truck with someone, a layman, for transport. The patient was self-ventilating himself, and I gave instructions to someone with absolutely no medical knowledge on how to bag the patient until they got to Freeman.

Within hours I estimated that over 100 EMS units showed up from various towns, counties and four different states. Considering the circumstances, their response time was miraculous. Roads were blocked with downed utility lines, smashed up cars in piles, and they still made it through.

We continued to carry patients out of the hospital on anything that we could find: sheets, stretchers, broken doors, mattresses, wheelchairs—anything that could be used as a transport mechanism.

As I finished up what I could do at St John’s, I walked with two RN’s, Shilo Cook and Julie Vandorn, to a makeshift MASH center that was being set up miles away at Memorial Hall. We walked where flourishing neighborhoods once stood, astonished to see only the disastrous remains of flattened homes, body parts, and dead people everywhere. I saw a small dog just wimpering in circles over his master who was dead, unaware that his master would not ever play with him again. At one point we tended to a young woman who just stood crying over her dead mother who was crushed by her own home. The young woman covered her mother up with a blanket and then asked all of us, “What should I do?” We had no answer for her, but silence and tears.

By this time news crews and photographers were starting to swarm around, and we were able to get a ride to Memorial Hall from another RN. The chaos was slightly more controlled at Memorial Hall. I was relieved to see many of my colleagues, doctors from every specialty, helping out. It was amazing to be able to see life again. It was also amazing to see how fast workers mobilized to set up this MASH unit under the circumstances. Supplies, food, drink, generators, exam tables, all were there—except pharmaceutical pain meds. I sutured multiple lacerations, and splinted many fractures, including some open with bone exposed, and then intubated another patient with severe COPD, slightly better controlled conditions this time, but still less than optimal.

But we really needed pain meds. I managed to go back to the St John’s with another physician, pharmacist, and a sheriff’s officer. Luckily, security let us in to a highly guarded pharmacy to bring back a garbage bucket sized supply of pain meds.

At about midnight I walked around the parking lot of St. John’s with local law enforcement officers looking for anyone who might be alive or trapped in crushed cars. They spray painted “X”s on the fortunate vehicles that had been searched without finding anyone inside. The unfortunate vehicles wore “X’s” and sprayed-on numerals, indicating the number of dead inside, crushed in their cars, cars which now resembled flattened recycled aluminum cans the tornado had crumpled in her iron hands, an EF4 tornado, one of the worst in history, whipping through this quiet town with demonic strength. I continued back to Memorial hall into the early morning hours until my ER colleagues told me it was time for me to go home. I was completely exhausted. I had seen enough of my first tornado.

How can one describe these indescribable scenes of destruction? The next day I saw news coverage of this horrible, deadly tornado. It was excellent coverage, and Mike Bettes from the Weather Channel did a great job, but there is nothing that pictures and video can depict compared to seeing it in person. That video will play forever in my mind.

I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to everyone involved in helping during this nightmarish disaster. My fellow doctors, RN’s, techs, and all of the staff from St. John’s. I have worked at St John’s for approximately 2 years, and I have always been proud to say that I was a physician at St John’s in Joplin, MO. The smart, selfless and immediate response of the professionals and the community during this catastrophe proves to me that St John’s and the surrounding community are special. I am beyond proud.

To the members of this community, the health care workers from states away, and especially Freeman Medical Center, I commend everyone on unselfishly coming together and giving 110% the way that you all did, even in your own time of need. St John ‘s Medical Center is gone, but her spirit and goodness lives on in each of you.

EMS, you should be proud of yourselves. You were all excellent, and did a great job despite incredible difficulties and against all odds.

For all of the injured who I treated, although I do not remember your names (nor would I expect you to remember mine) I will never forget your faces. I’m glad that I was able to make a difference and help in the best way that I knew how, and hopefully give some of you a chance at rebuilding your lives again. For those whom I was not able to get to or treat, I apologize whole heartedly.

Last, but not least, thank you, and God Bless you, Mercy/St John for providing incredible care in good times and even more so, in times of the unthinkable, and for all the training that enabled us to be a team and treat the people and save lives.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Federal Dress Code

I leave for FEMA camp today (don't take this as an invitation to break into my house, Jack will still be there). I'm quite looking forward to this now, finally, and hope to learn something valuable about how to run a hospital in crisis.

However, I'm a bit nervous. I'm basically becoming a contract employee of the federal government for the next week. My biggest question? How does one dress as a government employee? What do I wear to class? Usually when you travel for business, you wear a suit (or at least, business casual). What about for the government? Do I need to wear a shirt with the Old Glory on it? Anything that's red, white, and blue?

Running this by Jack last night, I asked him how I should dress for the week. His response?

"Representative Weiner wears only boxers and HE's a federal employee. And you're worried about what to wear?"

Point taken!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Whoa!

In the words of Joey Lawrence, "Whoa!"

I'm not quite sure where this week went. I kept peeling myself out of bed every morning to attack the goals and issues at hand...and I was one tired pup by last night after FINALLY having my work week conclude at 9 pm on a Friday night.

Quick recap of the great things from the week:

On Monday, I left work "early" at 4pm to come home and work on my ethics paper. After approximately 40 hours of work on the paper, I'm proud to say I have a rough draft complete!

Tuesday was fun because it crystallized how I was going to reorganize and restructure a group of core functions and accreditation items. I pitched the idea to Nurse Jackie in a proposal and she accepted it. VERY excited about this!

On Wednesday, I had an optimism-sustaining dinner with the president of one of our sister hospitals. Elvis hooked me up with her (I will call her Liz) as an in-system mentor. I left work to make our 6:00 p.m. on time and felt jilted when I was sitting in the fancy steakhouse's parlor alone, at 6:08. Giving it a few more minutes, I saw her dash up the stairs. Whew! Not jilted by the first woman president I had the pleasure of meeting personally.

Dinner was magnificent. The stuff of Lifetime movies and Stephen Covey books. We connected intimately on shared stories, similar experiences, paralleling personalities, and even...the same model and color cars. It was as if I caught a glance of myself twenty years down the line. That is, if I am blessed enough to have similar opportunities and never-ending motivation. We sat there and three hours went by as if it were 20 minutes and I gained a perspective I previously hadn't had. It was EXACTLY what I needed to keep pedaling forward.

The week closed out with a mixed bag on Friday. I helped facilitate the next round of Lean classes. The first class went really well and I was proud of our presenters who struggled to overlearn the material to serve as outstanding presenters. Things fell apart in the second class, where several managers canceled or didn't show. We progressed with class anyway and used the small-group forum for focused Q&A...but I never want the presenters to feel as though others don't value their work. I put a call into my beloved VP of HR to help me deal with the blazing accountability issues.

The day turned around when Jack and I attended a graduation ceremony for our medical residents and fellows at one of the local country clubs. This is the post-doctoral program, where the D.O.'s and M.D.'s get their practical training in their specialty of choice. They were all in their late 20's or early 30's (some in their mid-30's) having been in school their ENTIRE lives. So it was a big deal. And I passed out a ton of free drink vouchers on behalf of the hospital, encouraging the young physicians to have a good time. They did. And we split because it was quickly approaching 9 p.m. and I was seeing mirages of my bed!

All in all, I grew this week and gained some perspective. I'm still learning to take the good with the bad and power through it anyway...people never cease to amaze me with their own determination and perseverance. You know what they say, 'every flower has to grow through dirt!'

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tick Tok, Tick Tok

I'm telling you, I can do *anything* to procrastinate. So far, in order to avoid working on my paper, I:

-Went grocery shopping (just ask anybody, I HATE grocery shopping).
-Talked to my neighbor about our landscaping dreams (we are in paired villas and want to do neat and cool things like mirror our landscaping).
-Answered some work emails.
-Cleaned out the refrigerator.
-Started laundry.
-Cut up a cantaloupe that I wasn't hungry for yet.
-Answered more work emails. One of the managers I "sort of" manage (she has a dotted line to me) announced her resignation today. Figure out how to cover two campuses' inpatient dialysis units? Sure! Why not? It's a loss for the hospital because she knew *a lot* about dialysis...but she has a lot of children who need her at home. So it's probably for the better.
-Drug out my mondo suitcase to begin packing for a week in sultry, humid Alabama for FEMA camp. Yes, FEMA camp. This is where I will learn how to run a hospital in crisis...I was thinking of postponing it (so I can continue not writing my ethics paper), but then Joplin, Missouri happened and, well, we should all know how to function in crisis. And it's free; the federal government picks up all costs. YOUR tax dollars at work! Plus, I get to hang out on a military base for a week and that's just cool. It's the closest this quasi-diva is getting to the military!

Okay, I'm getting back to work. I mean it this time! Really! Stop shaking your head!!

***Aren't these cantaloupe sandals cute? They would last, what, 30 seconds in 90 degree heat?

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Sponge Bob Ethics

So last weekend, in a fit of procrastination, I flipped on the tube to distract myself from my terrible ethics thesis.

The show? Sponge Bob. It was the episode where he had to write a paper for boating school. It was due at 9 a.m. and Sponge Bob had procrastinated until the night before to write. Then he had to change Gary's food, clean the kitchen, and bug Patrick. Then he dozed off and had nightmares that his house was burning down. He woke up at 8:55 a.m., fervently wrote his essay (about what you shouldn't do at a stop sign) and made it to class with a minute to spare. The teacher then announced that she canceled the essay; that they were just going to visit a stop sign instead.

I giggled then realized I wasted 22 minutes of my life watching that show!

Drat!

So while Jack went to work this morning, I've been crazily typing away on my ethics paper. I have made good progress and daresay it, am getting excited about the topic. Things are crystallizing and the logic is flowing. This is good. I'm up to 16 or so pages...while I need 20-25 pages, I usually don't have a problem meeting the length requirements.

I'm actually excited about the moral certitude of embryonic stem cell research as a gravely immoral and illicit research medium.

May I have my dork card now? :)

I really wouldn't mind sitting in my library, working away, if it wasn't beautiful, 82, sunny, with one of those slight summer breezes! Eh, oh well. There will still be some summer left when the ol' thesis is complete! At least Jack and I have reservations downtown at Rhapsody tonight. We will have some fun in the Chi, so that definitely helps.

Time to get back to work. I have a feeling my professors aren't going to cancel this assignment and take me on a field trip instead!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Circles of Candles

I'm blogging instead of attending to the legal notebook sitting besides me, full of ideas, things to address/discern/figure out, assignments, things to delegate, things to check up on that I have previously delegated, etc. Seriously, it's full.

And I'm tired. I am not going to use this blog to whine or to passively-aggressively beat around the bush of my life. That doesn't help either of us.

I'm still willing myself to be happy and grateful. Happiness is a choice and to be honest, I've been quite deflated lately. It's just taking a lot more energy to attend to my ever-growing list of responsibilities and chores and joys.

Yes, joys. I'm doing everything I can to shelter that internal candle flame and refuse to let it be snuffed out.

I'm from that psychological school of thought where I do a lot of things for recognition. I've blogged about this before, that it's a taproot that I'm forever trying to uproot from the core of my being. It's a spiritual battle that I don't hide. As I continue my career with a Catholic healthcare organization, I truly feel as though I should be working to further God's work in the world. God's work. Not Dorrie's work. I should also be working for God's greater glory. Not Dorrie's greater glory.

Sounds fun, eh?

Going to fancy meetings and driving a nice car and having the latest iPod/iPad/iPhone/iThing isn't going to give me joy. But living a life ordered toward the service of others will. So, even though I make more sacrifices for others now than I did before I took this job, I have a long way to go in the selflessness department.

I keep trying, though, to put aside my own needs for feedback and recognition and focus on my staff. For example, last week, one of my rockstar medical assistants went to her manager and told her she needed to leave. She was offered $2/hour more to do the same job 20 minutes closer to her home. She's a meek little thing that has the work ethic of a Puritan and her integrity is never sacrificed. So I went to bat for her, writing up a proposal for HR and requesting that we expand her job description to justify a salary increase.

The job description actually fit her better AND fit the pay she requested. The result? She stayed with us, she's had her faith in the organization renewed, and she's on fire again, positively infecting everyone around her.

Three managers came to me this week, asking for help in their specific areas. Some get confused with HR issues, some need empowerment because they've been beaten down too many times in the past, and some just need to know someone cares. I rounded on one of my departments last week and when I asked one of the front office coordinators how things were going, she immediately teared up and said, "there's nothing you can do anyway."

The next day, I caught her during a slow time and we chatted. Surprise, all she wanted was someone to listen to her and appreciate her. She had some terrific ideas on how to improve the department and there WAS something I could do about it.

Sometimes I think we can scrap the management tomes and textbooks if we just listen to our employees. They know what's going on and wonderful things can happen if their voices are heard and they feel appreciated.

It circles back to me...because *I* don't feel appreciated or as though my voice is necessarily heard, I want to afford my staff this honor even more. But as employees genuinely begin to trust and want to improve, everyone's happier and more productive.

Weirdly, this is filling my tanks right now in the absence of feedback from my own bosses. Even more surprisingly, I am discovering the joy of this type of service. Service to others CAN be fun. And it strengthens the candle's light.