A Trippin' Soiree

Okay, time for the few vacation stories that don't involve male strippers, hitch-hiking, or the bribes we had to pay movie stars to just leave us alone already!

Just kidding, Jack!

The Edge and I (sounds like "the King and I," eh?) had a great time on our recent five-day beach getaway.



On the first day, The Edge and I quickly drove from the airport to our condo, rushing to land our feet in the sand. After a quick grocery store run, we smashed vacation records by being happily strewn about in our lounge chairs within 2 hours of landing in Florida. That night, it was dinner at a beachside grille, at which we dug our feet in the sand and knocked back a couple hurricanes.

Day two, we spent the majority of the blazingly hot day out at the beach, under beach umbrellas. Desperate to cool off from the 90+ degree heat, we wondered into the Gulf. The Gulf was as still as a pond, with 2-3 inch waves lapping quietly up to shore. We crept forward and I marveled at how clear the water was...even with water up to my chest, I could still see my feet. That's par for the course in Grand Cayman, but pretty odd off the coast of Florida. As The Edge and I lazily paddled around the water, we both noticed our hands sort of hitting "something." It felt like patches of thick water and I thought I was repeatedly brushing the ties on the sides of my suit bottoms. The Edge then looked down and we both immediately realized we were swimming in a sea of jellyfish!

Yes, jellyfish. We both sprinted out of the water and I quickly ran to my blackberry and googled "please tell me there are such things as non-stinging jellyfish!" Nope, there are not...but these guys weren't adults yet. Whew.

Back on the beach, we turned our chairs around to watch a wedding taking place about 100 yards away, in the sand. We watched a man escort a woman down the "aisle;" she was wearing a moderately-fancy white dress. Then another man escorted a woman down the aisle and she was wearing a full, cathedral-length sparkly white gown. The Edge and I sort of looked at each other like, "Hmm, that's weird. Why is one bridesmaid wearing a white dress and where is the guy the cathedral-length-dress-wearer is marrying?"

Then it hit us both (at the same instant) that we were witnessing a lesbian wedding. On the beach.

The next day, we entered our same routine of beach and pool-hopping, only to witness a Discover Channel experience taking place out to sea. We spotted a pod of dolphins a hundred yards offshore and squealed with glee at their appearance (hey, it was cool!). Then we watched in horror as the pod attacked a school of fish and the fish went flying feet up into the air (either in escape or to get away from the predators!). I only wished I had one of those time-elapsed cameras! For lunch that day, we visited a po-dunk, on-the-bay "restaurant" that was fabled to have the best fish on the Island. It did and that fish will withstand any taste test. That night at dinner, we chose a place known for their seafood, if only for the goal of trying to upstage the fish we tried for lunch. Dinner was good, but the bottle of wine we shared probably had something to do with that! Oh, that afternoon, we went bodyboarding. The jellyfish were gone by that point (at least, they appeared to be!)



The day after that, we again did our same beach/pool practice. I think I could take a month-long vacation and keep up that same routine the entire time....morning run, have coffee, go to beach, go back to condo for lunch makings, go to pool, go back to condo, shower, go to dinner, and take a quick dip in the pool before bed.

In fact, that's what I plan to do in early February when Jack and I go back to The Island!

The last thing I want to mention is the oh-so-beautiful sunsets. The Gulf coast is the best place to see sunsets and we took so many pics of the setting sun.



However, they all sort of look alike after a while. so I started messing with my camera settings:



See? Who wouldn't want a picture of a sunset while on LSD? :)

The trip was wonderful, girl time appreciated. But it's time to return (full speed!) to the daily grind!

Inertia

Ugh, I'm having one of those days where I could easily lay down on a cold, concrete floor and immediately pass out into a comatose slumber. I don't know if it's the adjustment back into work mode; the drastic (and painful!) weather change of going from 91 and sunny to a blustery 45 degrees, gray skies, and bare trees; or just the fact that my body already thinks it's the dead of winter (getting dark way too early these days). Whatever the case, I just couldn't get going today and I don't even think I fully woke up. I had to lead two meetings today and I really hope I faked my trademark energy and enthusiasm well…something tells me I didn't, though, because I practically fell asleep leading one of the meetings.

Ooops.

Big, long sigh.

[Start the dream sequence here]

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday morning, I went for my daily, morning jog on the beach and nearly overheated in the 80 degree, 99% humidity that is a Floridian dawn. It was my last morning walk until the next vacation (who in the world gets up at 4 a.m. to work out?) and I was going to make the most of it. I gazed longingly out to sea as I passed flocks of seagulls and dozens of pelicans bobbing on the water. I watched little crabs scurry across the fine, white sand and tried to memorize the exact timing of the wave swells as they rolled into shore. I absorbed every sound and even muted Jimmy Buffet's "Coastal Confessions" and "Juicy Fruit" to fully enjoy the sound of the waves.

A few hours later, I willingly boarded a plane to come home, knowing full well the wind storm that was Chicago. We were surprised that we boarded and left FL on time and started to descend into the Chi. Then the super winds caught the aircraft and not only dropped by hundreds of feet at a time (hello, stomach!), but listed side to side on the way down. It was pretty intimidating to look over, out the window, and see the GROUND straight down there. Yeah, not a fan.

We landed successfully, albeit it totally nauseated, shaky, and dizzy...and the whole plane cheered and applauded our saintly pilots. Me, I was tempted to "whoop, whoop" it, like in the dog pound (a la Arsenio Hall). I thought better of it, lest I get beat up by the gentleman in parachute pants two rows up.

So all of you stop drinking your Hatorade out there, I totally got my comeuppance for flaunting my 91 degree sunshine!

Even though it was only 5 days, it was a fantastic break. Along with some of our wacky pictures, I'll share a few of our crazy stories this weekend. As for me, I need to go drink a pot of coffee so I can stay awake long enough tonight to floss my teeth!

Taking A Break

Excuse me, can you please pass the sunscreen?

A Miracle Whip

Quick update on my spasming back…it's better. I went to my "medical massage" last night and I'm sure you will be happy to hear that it wasn't one bit relaxing. Apparently, those types of massages aren't supposed to be relaxing; they are meant to treat you with specific outcomes.

My desired outcome? To please knead out the knots in my back so I can get through a 12 hour day without taking Advil. My stomach lining is at stake here! She looked perplexed and then accepted the challenge.

So picture me, draped appropriately with clean, fragrant linens. Picture aromatherapy candles placed strategically around the room to create ambient lighting and peaceful scents. Then include the surround sound system that included a relaxing, slow-strumming guitar with breaking waves punctuating the sounds…

…Then picture a short, sort-of Indian, sort-of Mexican-looking woman, standing over me, pushing down with the weight of her body THROUGH HER ELBOW, on the knots in my back. Now listen for my knots as they audibly cracked painfully apart under the pressure. She's a sadist for taking my challenge upon her and I think I'm a masochist for inflicting that upon myself. When I got home, I stood in the shower for at least a half hour, trying to let the hot water further relax my now-war torn back. I felt awful and crawled into bed as soon as I could.

But this morning, while I woke up a little sore, I felt good. I felt WELL. And as the day progressed onward, I felt better and better. I was able to stand up straighter.

So Operation: Back Masochism worked well. And I plan to have that lady beat me up every two weeks for a while!

Alternative Treatment

Ugggh, I think it's official. I work too much (although, somehow, I feel better when I'm driving home at night and see the Chicago skyline twinkling. It reminds me that I've come sooooo far in these last couple years and really shouldn't let up).

Anyway, yesterday was another 12+ hour day where I ran from meeting to meeting (to meeting!). My last meeting of the day was with Nurse Jackie, where I updated her on a few things I've been working on, then she gave me a couple new things to work on, and so on goes the gravy train.

In the last five minutes of our meeting, she wanted to go over my evaluation. My evaluation?! I get one of those?! I didn't even know I was due.

It was short and sweet and while she spewed all sorts of positive and uplifting praise, it was very nice to receive some feedback. Anyone who knows me well knows that I sort of (okay, totally) thrive on recognition and achievement. Trust me, I'm working on it.

After another couple hours that I spent drafting a policy and writing a white paper, I stretched out of my wired-in posture and about fell out of my chair. The long hours are completely mangling my back and my super-sized knots aren't going away. One time the pain was so bad that I thought I was coming down with kidney stones. Yes, yes, I know, that should be a sign to cool it. Again, working on it!

In my fit of desperation, I called our in-hospital medical spa to see if I could pull a few quick strings for a massage appointment. One of the masseuses offered to stay late to help me, but I didn't want to pull the political card. So I did a quick search closer to home and found a masseuse in my neighborhood (in a doctor's office). I gave him a quick call and he said he had a cancellation tomorrow evening opening for a medical massage.

A medical massage? What exactly is a medical massage?

Yeah, I thought the same thing! Sign me up! If something is "medically necessary," then I have permission to relax and indulge, right?

I took the appointment. I'll let you know how this "medical massage" varies from the typical "buff and puff" massages in the salons. Ever since I lost my dear masseuse when I left SB (this woman was amazing...I had monthly 2-hour hot rock massages where I could barely grasp the steering wheel to drive home), I've been on the look out for a new masseuse. I tried a couple, but they just couldn't compare. Most of the masseuses out there chat at you and ask questions while you're *trying* to relax. Did they not get the memo!?

I've recently become interested in researching these alternative therapies. I've never been a supported of osteopathic, chiropractic medicine, or holistic treatments, but I'm getting desperate. All I can really do with "modern medicine" is take pain relieving drugs and take 2 weeks off from work to stretch and soak in a tub. Neither approach is working for me (the pain relievers make me foggy at work...a no-go...and the tub isn't feasible *at* work). So I've branched out. Tomorrow I've getting a back crack AND a medical massage.

I really hope this helps. I do not see the hours letting up anytime soon and I hope the treatments help me cope...sans pain relievers!

On the DL

I did a reasonably good job of relaxing this weekend; I took most of Saturday off to do a long walk with Jack, watch some football, and watch two movies (Juno and Did You Hear About the Morgans?). The only problem with taking Saturday off was that I knew I would need to work on Sunday.

And so I did. I hated to go into the office, but I am so much more productive there then at home. Plus, I had a massive ethics assignment where I had to (repeatedly) apply the principles of double effect and proportionate means. Cue the xanax!

The biggest news of the day is that I pulled my hamstring in a heated tennis game with Jack after I got home from work. Reaching for a tight backhand, I felt my hamstring tweak with pain and five minutes later, I could barely hobble around the tennis court. Cue the advil!

As soon as we got home, I retreated to the couch and let Jack take care of me. He made dinner and finished the laundry and *forced* me to sit on my ice pack all evening, with my feet propped up. It was hard work to just sit there...really...!

Cue the sarcasm!

Quote Journal: Francis

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

-St. Francis of Assisi

This quote is plastered occasionally around the hospital in size 190 point font. Every time I see it, I am reminded that, no matter how maxed-out I feel, I need to just do what is necessary. Keep putting one foot in front of the other!

It's actually a nice prioritization technique, too. Leave it to St. Franny for good organizational methodology!

Reese's to the Rescue

Tonight was a Level IV night (rare for a Monday) and Jack, true to his supportive nature, met me at the door with a box of Reese's Pieces, a cute card, and a bottle of wine. While I still had to work, just knowing he cared enough to put together a "Level IV Package" made me feel wonderful. And despite my exhaustion, I was able to power onward.

Granted, my eyes are crossing involuntarily as I write this!

I started my day with the usual operations meetings and was interrupted mid-morning by a 29-year old patient needing emergency plasma apheresis (where we sort of "add" platelets to his blood because he didn't have any by a fancy transfusion that first runs through a machine to sift out the platelets). This required an emergency meeting with our contracted company, an emergency meeting with Blue Cross Blue Shield, an emergency call with the Illinois Dept of Public Health to make sure we were even licensed to provide this treatment, and the drafting of an emergency contract with the consult of our legal team.

After four harrowing hours, we finalized everything and shipped the patient off to the blood bank at our other campus for his type and screen. While we were doing EVERYTHING possible to expedite this for the patient, I could see how they might have been inpatient...four hours for a hospital to coordinate care for one patient?!?! This was our first ever outpatient plasma apheresis case we've ever had and darnitall, it all came together for the patient!

One 29-year old was saved today!

The rest of my day consisted of a bunch of chats with the Education Director as I finalize the roll-out of my next hospital program, I oversaw a health fair that the managers of two of my areas hosted (it was GREAT), and conversed with Nurse Jackie for two hours about the Craziness Project. You get to a point where you're not sure how you're still standing upright! I wanted to close my eyes as I drove down the highway, on my way home.

Remember that episode of Ellen from the 1990's, where she is driving late at night and drifts off at the wheel? When she awakens in her car (unscathed), she's in a pasture surrounded by cows. Without opening her eyes, she says, "I'd like a coffee, please!" Then a cow moooos loudly next to her and she says, "Yes, I'd love a splash of milk in it!" I think of that scene when I'm ready to drift off and chuckling, it helps keep me awake a while longer!!

The Hangover

While my hangover didn't consist of a wild night in Vegas during which I somehow stole Mike Tyson's Bengal tiger, I've been hungover these past two days.

I nursed two glasses of wine during the five hour gala (and know it's not a chemical dehydration induced from the alcohol), but keep feeling very, very tired. You know that feeling you have after weddings, where you're sort of let down and exhausted? That's how I feel. Unless it's because I'm getting sick again and that's just not even worth joking about!

Last night, Jack and I finally went to see "The Social Network." While the flick was obviously targeted at the Gen X and Y age brackets, it was a very good story. Along the lines of "Good Will Hunting," the story narrated the probable story behind the creation of Facebook. The movie producers have never actually met Mark Zuckerberg (or so I read), but the producers' interpretation of Mark was convincing. The script was brilliant and I will be surprised if this film's screenplay isn't nominated for an Oscar. You know a movie is good if it provides you mental fodder...and dinner conversation for two meals!

So after our usual Sunday routine of mass/grocery shopping/brunch, we each settled in on our laptops and worked...All day. Gee, the exciting lives we lead. I'm really trying to *not* work on Sundays, but so far, that hasn't worked out so well!

Maybe next week!

Disfigured Feet...For a Good Cause!

Last night's hospital gala was an astounding success! We raised somewhere north of $300,000 and while my feet are probably forever disfigured from my torturing (but oh, so cute!) heels, Jack and I had a wonderful time at the Palmer House Hilton.

I had raced home from a patient care emergency to get my nails done and figure out my hair situation (to up do' or not to up 'do?). Jack arrived home shortly after me and after our requisite primping, we stepped out into the late afternoon sunshine and began the usually-30 minute drive downtown.

...but because of the Chicago marathon, an extra 45,000 people were in the city...milling around Michigan Street. So it took us over an hour to arrive and by the time we did so, we were quasi-wilted!

Regardless, we arrived in style, quickly met up with a few physicians and entered the main ballroom. It was PACKED. The gala was sold out and you could tell; seven-hundred people in black tie attire filled that room until you could barely move. We avoided the moving masses of people and shopped instead.

Silent auctions lined the ballroom's "ante" room, everything from wine tastings to restaurant certificates, from spa treatments to trips, from signed sports paraphernalia to Christina Aguilera concert tickets. I quickly decided I would bid on a package including two box seats in the Chicago Symphony and dinner at Rhapsody. I opened the bid and told Jack we'd babysit that one. I've always wanted to see the Chicago Symphony and, well, the tickets were for the performance on my birthday so I would save Jack a shopping trip!

On the same table, I spotted another auction item on which I wanted to bid: a large gift certificate to the RedHead Piano Bar (we've been "dying" to go there; they have amazing piano/jazz reviews) and a yacht cruise out on Lake Michigan at sunset (I guess so you can see the skyline from the water, at night). It was an impulse bid and I forgot I even bid on it!

After milling around the ballroom for a while, noshing on petite appetizers and champagne, it was time to begin dinner. A string quartet played while we dined on boring salads, dry, over-cooked filet, strange potatoes, and cute vegetables. To be completely honest, Jack could have grilled a better filet in his sleep...in the woods...without a grill! Not impressed by the food.

As the desserts blanketed the room, the formal program started. It included the usual set of speeches and presentations from any benefit, except this time, Jack had a personal stake in the celebratory video. He narrated part of it. It was strange (and yet, very cool) to hear Jack's voice booming around an at-capacity ballroom. I felt a swell of pride for him and sort of laughed when I glanced over at him and saw a look of wild terror on his face!

After the formal program concluded, we skipped the dance floor (the band, sophisticated and posh during dinner, immediately started playing songs that bands play at the end of weddings, where everyone is already sweaty and tipsy) and returned to the silent auctions. I entered into a bidding war on the Symphony package and it was now 4x the original price. I placed one last bet, thinking we'd probably lose the auction. I had forgotten about the RedHead package and picked up a "grab bag." For $100, you were guaranteed $250 worth of "stuff." Plus, our past president of the medical staff's wife coarsed me into buying one. Not really. (But she did!). The grab bag contained a good bottle of wine, Opera tickets, a gift cert for Cilantro's, a pedicure, and what I was most shocked by, a $100 gift card to a jeweler in town. Jack just signed and shook his head when he discovered that!

The wedding-esque dancing was going full tilt and Jack and I sat with several co-workers and enjoyed the last few songs of the evening. We did dance a couple of times, but events like that go so quickly. You're just getting comfortable and the band announces its last set!

The silent auctions closed and I swung back by our table to confirm that I probably lost the Symphony bet. Not only did we win the Symphony package, but I noticed my name circled on the RedHead/yacht package! We won both! With the grab bag I had purchased earlier, I spent (*cough, cough*) hundred dollars! While it was more than I intended, I know it's for a good cause. The cause that employs us both!

Last year, I kept gazing around the ballroom, thinking to myself, "wow, how in the world did I ever end up here?" This year, I was able to own the experience more and because of my involvement in the hospital, had much more fun at the event. I think Jack did, too, despite his look of wild terror at hearing his own narration!

So today, I'm hobbling around in my slippers, because my feet are killing me from my high-heeled sandals. But I keep telling myself, "it was for a good cause!"

Weirdness

Okay, so is it weird (or, perhaps, unethical?) that Sister Lourdes asked me to proofread and edit her ethics assignment?

Was this a test? Should I have turned the Good Sister down in her request to have me edit her work? Was she testing my ethical nature to see if I'd make her do her own ethics homework? This whole situation oozes irony and now I'm double-guessing myself and my acceptance of Sister's draft ethics assignment.

So tonight, I need to answer about 40 emails, update one of the action plans, and...edit Sister's ethics homework. WEIRD!

The Disappearing Week

This week feels like a waste, work-wise. Here it is, already Wednesday evening, and I don't have a whole lot to show for my week...Except a new pair of boots, a wine aerator, and a few thick binders from my conference. I just don't feel effective because I haven't been able to cross anything off my to-do list lately.

I love having so many opportunities to travel, but it gets exhausting. I get tired of packing, unpacking, and repacking my suitcase and finally just started leaving all my little travel size shampoo/condit/deodor/etc. bottles in my bag for next time.

However, the strategic planning conference was great and a completely wonderful use of my time. I met several great contacts and it reaffirmed what I suspected the strategic planning process looks like. In short, we spent 1.5 days plodding through an extensive planning process for cancer services for a large metropolitan hospital. Then we had to present our plans and justify them while the others (50 or so) tried to shoot holes in your logic.

I planned to drive up to Skokie Monday night, since the last time I drove from the south side to Skokie, it took me an agonizing 3.5 hours. I distinctly remember my calf muscles being sore from the incessant braking on the highway. So I left my office at 7pm on Monday and surprisingly, zipped up there in 45 minutes. In a fit of euphoria, I hit the neighboring mall and did some damage at Nine West and Crate and Barrel.

On Tuesday (on the elevator down to the hotel lobby, actually), I ran into the CEO of St. Swedish Chef, another hospital in the Muppet system. He recognized me (a good thing!) and invited me to "hang" with the strategy director from St. Piggy's. So after the day's conference material, we dined at McCormick and Schmick's. Dinner was good, but my Parmesan-encrusted snapper wasn't worth its $20 sticker price. It's always nice to chat with folks from around the Muppet system; they have a lot of questions about St. Fozzie's and what we're doing up in Chicagoland, to turn the hospitals around. I invited them out for a road trip, to shadow a few areas. Hope this is okay with EVOO and Elvis!

Today, we finished the conference and I cruised home, exhausted and brain dead. I'm tempted to feel overwhelmed with the sheer number of items on my work to-do list and I haven't even started contemplating my ethics paper due on Monday. The topic is Principles of Integrity and Totality and I have a bunch of reading to do before I can even start thinking about my paper's argument. Sigh. Here we go again!

My only full work day is tomorrow (10 hours' of meetings, of course!) and then our hospital's gala is Friday night. I guess a positive upshot to this is that I haven't had a whole lot of time to stuff my face...so that satin dress should fit well on Friday!

Quick Takes, Vol. 8

1. I am preparing to attend another conference this week, this time I'm going to Sg2 to learn how to "do" strategic planning. To this end, I'm planning how to get a week's worth of work done in two days.

2. To weed through said stacks of work, I went into work on Sunday (breaking my own law about this...and probably God's, too). It was quiet and I was deeply focused on my ROI and plan for accountable care organizations within Chicagoland when Cookie Monster (our CFO) came by to say hi and scared me to death. Right when my heart rate returned to normal and I again became engrossed in my work, Sister Lourdes knocked on my door, again making me jump out of my skin.

Guess none of us keep holy the Sabbath!

3. My folks, Skyblue and Lou, visited Jack and me in Chicagoland yesterday. We completed a three-mile walk for the American Heart Association, then feasted at Joe's Crab Shack, and then shopped, shopped, and shopped. I think the distance we walked at the Heart Walk and in the stores sort of, kind of counter-balanced the heart-clogging saturated fats in our crab pots and fried fish? Hey, peace, love, and crabs!

4. We watched ND defeat Boston College on the football field. That victory, in itself, is newsworthy!

5. Jack needs several hundred dollars' worth of dental work done (what can I say?) and I just discovered a health savings account that we started for Jack years ago. This account covers Jack's dental extravaganza. I cannot tell you how excited I am about it!

6. Last, Jack and I are going to a movie tonight. The candidates are "You Again," "Wall Street," or the "Social Network." I'd like to see all three, but have a special place in my heart for Betty White. It must be that former Golden Girls love of mine!

Joke Journal: Chili

Just a funny to lead us into the weekend. You guys enjoy this and I'm going to Coopershawk Winery with Jack and some friends from work!



These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Canada.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
The scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #1 – Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #2 – Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #3 – Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA! I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #4 – Bubba’s Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That girl is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili #5 – Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
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Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

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Chili #6 – Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe myself with a snow cone.

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Chili #7 – Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. The heck with it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #8 – Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili!