I ordered "Franciscan Equilibrium" based solely on its name.
Check it out. It's a very subtle white wine, non-assuming, non-offensive, with a peach finish. I struggled to explain it beyond "it is equilibrium." That word itself is very nebulous - what does "equilibrium" even mean? Balance? Normalcy? Peace?
For me, it was more of a wish than a feeling. I am two weeks into my job transition; I have two weeks left in Imaging while I survive the new ethics position. Things are flying at me so fast that, for the majority of the week, I didn't know if I was coming or going. My assistant, tuned into my rhythms and weirdness, also felt the stress. Oh, how I wish I was able to take her with me to my new position. We are like an old married couple - we rarely have to talk. An expression or glance communicates all we need to say.
This past week was killer. Holding down two huge jobs sucks. I should censor that word; as the ethicist now, I probably shouldn't use the word "sucks." Oh well. There is no better word.
Imaging was crazy - I completed a multi-million dollar purchase, fired several individuals, and had several safety situations arise. I was in complete chaos and had about 25 emails coming in every hour. In meetings from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. each day, I sat down to do my "real" work after everyone went home. I made it until 7 p.m. and finally went home to eat whatever my wonderful husband cooked that evening to keep me going one more day. I addressed concerns in the new position after dinner and Jack tolerated the constant presence of my laptop until I drug myself to bed.
But it's over. The worst of the transition is over. My awesome assistant (see above) cleared my pretty much cleared my schedule for the next two weeks. Thank you. Praise God.
My new boss is a perfectionist. We work well together and, as far as I can tell, are cut from similar cloth. It will be fine once I can leave the 500 people and $350 million dollar budgets behind. My new office is in a different building, separate from the hospital. I am able to keep living in Indianapolis but have several road trips coming up in the next few weeks. But peace is on the horizon. Equilibrium, if you will.
In a way, this new position is returning me to my youth, to my "ideal state" being, before I was tarnished by the crap of hospital administration and big city life. I now get to lead retreats for executives. I'm leading the programs to help them become ethical leaders. I'm leading a pilgrimage to Rome. I am basically responsible for the soul of the organization.
It's still terrifying. [Gulp]
But I have to write a Lenten prayer service for an upcoming exec retreat. Seriously? They are paying me to do this? My new job description is not just "other duties as assigned," but "things you did while in ministry and oh, you are a ministerial leader now. Act like it."
My new boss (whom I will have to name here) actually admonished me for my stressed appearance. I was asked to lead an exec retreat exactly 9 days after finding out about this new position. I still had everything from Imaging on my shoulders PLUS I was administrator on-call for three hospitals and there was a huge snowstorm bearing down in Indianapolis. Of COURSE I was going to be stressed! My aura was probably black. I was anticipating having to run three hospitals in snow crisis yet again. [Luckily, the storm missed us. But it was a terse couple of days.]
But it dawned on me...Now I am expected to demonstrate presence. Peace. Tranquility. Dare I say, equilibrium. It is now in my job description to be a stable and centered. I'm really, really good at being a stressed-out turkey. It will truly require some growth to find peaceful equilibrium.
Equilibrium. I'll take another glass of that!
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