It's stop #1 on my "Dorrie's self care" tour of 2017. I love writing and this is a good way to write and provide myself a nice way to look back at my journey.
So here's the thing. I feel like I barely survived these last few months. Turns out that working crazy hours with lots of travel, doing a half-time Ph.D., and training for marathons takes a toll on one's body. And mind. And soul. And immune system.
I'd never been in better shape and I was smaller than I've been in years. I felt like I was kicking ass - when people asked how I was doing or what my life was like, thy couldn't believe the hard worker, business traveler, student, and marathoner were all the same person.
And I loved that feeling! Heck yes, I'm superwoman and I have the income, grades, and race medals to show for it.
Except that I have been sick now since Thanksgiving. I spent my December wrapped in a blanket, coughing, and visiting my doctor. Amidst finals, a hellish paper that robbed me of probably 75 hours, and a heavy travel schedule for work. I feel like my entire being is very inflamed - to the point where I am breaking out in hives occasionally. No trigger except probably the massive amounts of cortisol I'm producing.
While I wracked up the achievements this year, my personal reservoir evaporated, little by little. What was once a beautiful lake, ringed with plants and vibrant life became a muddy dirt hole that eventually drained dry. My birthday was pretty dark this year and I realized it's because I was digging in the dry clay, trying to force health and happiness.
Yeah, that didn't work.
Christmas was a lovely holiday once again this year, bursting with joy and laughter. The adult siblings and our spouses stayed with my folks for the weekend. It was hysterical. Lots of Christmas carols, jokes, and sitting around for hours with coffee and Bailey's. The only problem is that we never want the nights to end and we stay up until 2 or 3 a.m. I always struggle the day after big, joyous holidays but the sleep deprivation makes it even harder. The concept of "holiday hangover" is very real for me.
So that's why I'm in the tub, in a luxurious Lush bath. My bed isn't far behind. I want to stay up and not "close" the holiday weekend but I'm so tired.
The New Year is upon us shortly and my new year goals are always the same: better eating, less alcohol, more exercise, pay down debt. It's all about structure, discipline, and endurance.
How fun. Is there any wonder I'm dreading New Year's? So I can put myself on a rigid diet, skip going out to dinner, and walk miles to nowhere on my treadmill?
I need an attitude adjustment. A realignment. I'm hatching this plan tonight but instead of my annual January rigidity, I'm approaching New Year's resolutions in a positive light. Healthy food because I'm working my body hard right now and it needs healthy fuel. Exercise to stretch my body so I feel well. I tend to forget that my body is a temple. 2017 is the Year of the Temple. I'm debating a Whole30 but generally want to eat better so I feel well. It will help to get the green bean casserole and sugar cookies out of my blood stream but I want to pay better attention to what I'm putting in my body.
I'm getting one massage a month. Maybe one every two weeks during heavy travel periods or stressful points in the semester. I'm taking baths with my fancy bath products. Why save them for some random "rainy day?" I'm going to bed when I feel like it, refusing to judge myself as lazy or lame. This body deserves sleep, too.
In the last 2 years, four people bought Jack and me coloring books. I am going to color when the mood strikes. I am going to shamelessly read fictional books, even when I have school reading due (a big opportunity for me - I refuse to do anything "fun" until my obligations are met). The thing is, sometimes obligations cannot be all met before I "treat" myself to an early bedtime.
I am so grateful for my blessings and I'm tired of thinking of everything as an obligation. Even something as holy as church - I always want to rush through it so I can get to that day's to-do list. I deserve to have joy, not only st Christmas, but always and things like prayer or reflection should not be rushed. Last night, on Christmas night, I sat in front of the fireplace, fire roaring, listening to Josh Groban's "O Holy Night." No rushing, just space and time to reflect on God's Gift to humanity.
In short, I'm going to treat myself like I treat my best friends. I try to be nice to them, giving them what they need, listening to them, and forgiving mistakes quickly. It sounds so elementary but I'm going to befriend myself and give ME a break. The insane expectations I have of myself are exhausting me and I really think they contribute to (cause?) my flailing immunity.
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