Quick Takes, Vol. 8

1. I am preparing to attend another conference this week, this time I'm going to Sg2 to learn how to "do" strategic planning. To this end, I'm planning how to get a week's worth of work done in two days.

2. To weed through said stacks of work, I went into work on Sunday (breaking my own law about this...and probably God's, too). It was quiet and I was deeply focused on my ROI and plan for accountable care organizations within Chicagoland when Cookie Monster (our CFO) came by to say hi and scared me to death. Right when my heart rate returned to normal and I again became engrossed in my work, Sister Lourdes knocked on my door, again making me jump out of my skin.

Guess none of us keep holy the Sabbath!

3. My folks, Skyblue and Lou, visited Jack and me in Chicagoland yesterday. We completed a three-mile walk for the American Heart Association, then feasted at Joe's Crab Shack, and then shopped, shopped, and shopped. I think the distance we walked at the Heart Walk and in the stores sort of, kind of counter-balanced the heart-clogging saturated fats in our crab pots and fried fish? Hey, peace, love, and crabs!

4. We watched ND defeat Boston College on the football field. That victory, in itself, is newsworthy!

5. Jack needs several hundred dollars' worth of dental work done (what can I say?) and I just discovered a health savings account that we started for Jack years ago. This account covers Jack's dental extravaganza. I cannot tell you how excited I am about it!

6. Last, Jack and I are going to a movie tonight. The candidates are "You Again," "Wall Street," or the "Social Network." I'd like to see all three, but have a special place in my heart for Betty White. It must be that former Golden Girls love of mine!

Joke Journal: Chili

Just a funny to lead us into the weekend. You guys enjoy this and I'm going to Coopershawk Winery with Jack and some friends from work!



These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Canada.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
The scorecards from the event:

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Chili #1 – Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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Chili #2 – Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
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Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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Chili #3 – Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA! I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

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Chili #4 – Bubba’s Black Magic
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Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That girl is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili #5 – Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
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Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

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Chili #6 – Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe myself with a snow cone.

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Chili #7 – Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. The heck with it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili #8 – Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili!

Legal Troubles

My heart STOPPED this afternoon when I ducked into my Fozzie Heights office after being at the other campus all morning. The secretaries are usually good about opening the mail and organizing the stuff for you to read, stuff for you to sign, stuff for you to send on after your perusal, etc. Except that I spotted a large brown envelope in my inbox, from the legal firm that represents St. Fozzie's and Muppet Corporate.

I instantly broke out into a cold sweat, sure that this was the subpoena from one of the malpractice cases I thought I dodged several weeks ago. I had two cases I was sweating but after we waived the hospital portion of the fees, I thought everything had blown over.

As I tore into the envelope, I saw my career flashing before my eyes and exploding in a plume of radioactive uranium to an early death. Shaking as I rifled through the paperwork inside, I couldn't locate the suing company's name. Who's ending my career?! Who are they? Who dares to do this to me?!

Pausing to READ the documents inside, I saw that it was merely an invitation (and accompanying coursework) for a legal conference in which they were discussing nonprofit healthcare and healthcare reform. And would I be willing to attend?

Yeah…cue the deep breath. They REALLY shouldn't send those things in the same envelopes they use to ship subpoenas!

Fish

In 24 days, I'll be relaxing on the beach with the newest issue of US Weekly (shhhhh!), an umbrella drink, and some Jimmy Buffet piping out my tiny travel speakers.



Oh, and don't forget to feed the fish on the sidebar (you do this by clicking around on the box). Thought this was a lively addition to Just Keep Swimming!

Philly: Tourists and Cheesesteaks

Because Jack and I almost always vacation in sunny, beach-releated retreats, we rarely have the chance to do any actual tourist activities. Even when we went to Ireland, we kept our tourist tendencies to a minimum. It dawned on me that I've visited 28 countries but have never seen any significant monument from American history!

So, in Philly, we cast aside our worries and hit the tourist track.



Flying in Thursday morning, we jumped in our rental car, stashed our belongings at the B&B (located on the campus of Temple University) and hit the path. We visited Independence Hall (where the Declaration of Independence and Constitution were signed), snapped our pictures with the Liberty Bell (reverently enshrined in a plexiglass room), took a self-paced tour of the US Mint (which was stamping quarters and pennies for our monetary pleasure), and revered Benjamin Franklin's grave. We gaped at the seemingly tongue-in-cheek Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington characters milling around the area. Why hadn't I swallowed my pride and had my picture taken with George Washington? That would have been a neat shot for when I open my B&B and need celebrity pictures to line my downstairs bar!

Before and after our touring, we indulged in Philly Cheese steak sandwiches. I'm glad I'm a carnivore!

On Friday night, Jack and I took off for Pat's, the world-renowned Cheese steak dive in southern Philly. When we received our cheese steaks, neither one of us said one word for the entire 15 minutes it took to eat (inhale) those sandwiches. Everyone knows it's a Pat's v. Gino's war in Philly for the best steak, but we opted for Pat's.





With stomachs full of cheese steak bliss, we hit the bridge. As in, the Benjamin Franklin Bridge to Camden, New Jersey. A three-mile round trip, we hiked the bridge at twilight and savored a breezy, 80 degree summer evening from the bridge. I must note that this is the first time I got stage fright. I'm not afraid of heights and this bridge totally overwhelmed my sense of balance!



Then on Sunday, God hit the "Oh, that's right, it's autumn!" button on His eternal dashboard and the weather transformed from sticky and 90 to freezing cold, damp, and 60 (of COURSE we packed for this change). I drug my sick self out of bed Sunday morning and while we briefly debating changing our flights to an earlier time, we decided to make the most of the day.

I've always wanted to see Eastern State Penitentary. I have a strange fascination with jails...so many people come to terms with their lives' actions (or go insane!) in those rooms and spend months or years within their walls. Some emerge with a completely-different world outside their doorsteps (think Shawshank Redemption). So Jack indulged me on my jail tour and we visited Eastern State. Even though I sported a probably-100+ degree temperature and was going through kleenex at a rate of two boxes every hour, what better way to spend the day than trooping through the rain at a prison?

It was awful. The outside, shrouded in heavy, dark granite and iron grates, resembled a medieval castle. A 7-foot thick, 30 foot-high wall guarded the property, which was divided into a total of 12 cell blocks. Designed to deter crime in 1820's Philly, the castle-structure pioneered the concept of solitary confinement and with its dark, dank cells, tried to reform hardened criminals within its walls.



Pause for shivers!

Jack and I, always the geeks, joined an architectural tour to see behind-the-scenes cell blocks and courtyards. I thought the rain added a degree of penance even the Quakers would have been proud of. The Penitentary (from the word "penance") was a worthwhile stop on our Philly tour and after being soaked in the steady rain, Jack and I sought refuge at Jack's Firehouse (across the street) for lunch.

So while I have to return to Philly in April, I doubt Jack will return with me. Unless, of course, I can dangle a Pat's cheese steak in front of his eyes in a hypnotic manner!

Philly: Ethics

I went to Philly with the understanding that I would have two solid days of Catholic moral theology and healthcare ethics. Healthcare ethics addresses how you run hospitals so they are consistent with Catholic teaching. Just in case you were curious! I drove through a very questionable part of town to reach the conference locale, forcing me to run through my litany of favorite saints for protection! Perhaps that was the calisthenics portion of the seminar? :)

While I knew the ethics portion would be heavy, I couldn't wait to attend the conference. With seminars entitled "When 'Dead' Really Means Dead," "Babies are Begotten, not Made," "The Whole Story of Stem Cell Research," and "The Good, Bad, and Ugly of Organ Transplantation," I knew I was in for a treat! The "less controversial" topics, such as Advanced Directives and End-of-Life Care, also created rich discussion among the interesting divide of participants in the conference. As usual, I was the youngest in the room by 20+ years, half the room was represented by Religious and physicians, and the others consisted of heady, intellectual administrators who liked to discuss the discourses of Catholic theology in their spare time. Seriously, how often do you walk into a room and hear arguments about the veracity of the Council of Nicea and medieval theology's incorrect interpretation of Christ's divinity and how it led to the schism of the Church?

This was intellectually-aggressive fodder, considering the fact that the days' seminars gave the option to start with hour-long masses. Perusing the agenda beforehand, I couldn't understand why they budgeted an hour for mass when it was on the weekday...then I found out it the mass was solemn, sung Latin.
Rats, I'm totally lapsed on my pre-Vatican II Latin! I need the Rosetta Stone software to learn Latin!

Regardless, the ethics portion of the weekend was wonderful. I actually grasped the Church's reasoning behind its ethical stances and understood how they evolved from natural law. It wasn't just a bunch of upper-middle class white men in their 70's, sitting around in robes, trying to think of ways to make Catholics' lives less entertaining (as is the case with popular thought). The ethics actually stems from Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas' understanding of human morality and interpretation of natural law. Interesting stuff.

How many people get to study one of their passions as part of their job?! I will keep telling myself this as I trudge through the two seven-pound ethics textbooks they sent home with each participant...(even as she slaps her forehead with her right hand in the shape of an "L")!!

Philly Phlu

Well, I'm back from Philadelphia. I saw the sights of American history (Independence Hall, Liberty Bell, the Mint, Ben Franklin Bridge, and Eastern State Penitentary), attended two days of Catholic bioethics traning, ate three different iterations of Philly cheesesteaks, and came down with a massive bug.

Actually, I was getting sick before we left (Jack went to Philly with me). On the drive home from work, late Wednesday evening, one minute I was fine and the next minute I was swallowing razor blades. I knew my stress would catch up with me, but of course it had to happen when Jack and I had a romantic weekend planned around my ethics training!

I fought through and medicated accordingly. However, my lack of stopping to rest in Philly made me even more sick and now I'm typing this from my bed (yes, at 10:51 on a Monday morning) because I feel like I have the Plague. Being faced with 12 straight hours of booked meetings today was too much and after taking my temp to see it 101.8 this morning and being racked with body aches, I cried "uncle!" Actually, I cried "secretary" and asked my assistant to cancel everything today. Two teleconferences I can handle. Twelve hours of meetings...well...that makes me want to hide in an earthen cave and avoid civilization by canning my own homemade salsa.

Hey, as newsworthy as my sick days are, at least it gives me time to update this!

Home

After being at the Fozzie Fields campus all day Monday and in Lean training (which I was asked to spearhead on a hospital-wide level!) for the last two days, I drug myself back into the executive offices at 5:27 p.m. this evening. One of the secretaries looked up when I walked by, toting my stack of used newsprint, markers, and binders, and said, "Oh, you're finally home!"

While I do often think of this place as "home," just because I am here an awful lot, it warmed my tired heart in an unexpected way to hear her welcome me back.

I'm a cornball, what can I say?!

Potatoes!

[Insert big, long sigh here.]

Day One of MPH training is complete!

"MPH" stands for "Mister Potato Head." And it was the simulation used to help a group of hospital directors figure out how to use Lean methodologies in their departments. We know we're not cranking out patients here, but many of the methodologies used in factories actually relate to the hospital setting.

It is pretty hilarious to see all these uptight and proper people, flailing through a Mr. Potato Head assembly line (picture hands, glasses, and noses flying everywhere), to replicate a manufacturing environment. We created the first assembly line to be purposefully slow and bottleneck-y and we let the group create process changes that would streamline the assembly process.

Except that when we allowed them to make changes to the process, we also increased the productivity demands and made them output more product with less time. That's *exactly* what happens in the hospital!

Soon, even the stoic, old-school directors were laughing and joining in the fun. The day consisted of other activities and break-out sessions, but MPH was the conversation point of the day. I don't think anyone will look at a MPH the same way, ever again.

I know I won't...especially after setting up the simulation and seeing 30+ naked, blank potato heads in a Rubbermaid box! Aaugh! Aaaaugh! My eyes!

Leadership versus Management

All I can say from today is "Ugh!"

I hired a new manager today. She was one of two in an internal applicant pool I interviewed for the position. I created the job for one of them, so they had a 50/50chance each. The candidates were on polar ends of the scale; one was a seasoned manager, accustomed to running a department in black and white decisions. One was an inexperienced manager who had passion and enthusiasm eeking out her pores. She radiated leadership. In my head, it wasn't a contest. I made my decision; my notes and objective rating scale agreed with my gut. I ran my decision past the Medical Director of the department who quickly agreed with me.

I hired the inexperienced leader.

You can teach a leader how to manage, but you cannot teach a manager how to lead. Leadership is in your bones, it's in your genes. You cannot fake it and even more so, the people around you REALLY KNOW when you are faking it. This department needs a leader, not a manager. The management part can be learned.

So I gave the applicants the news. Actually, the conversation where I hired the manager was fun. She cried and then got so embarrassed that she cried! Then she immediately agreed to get tougher. All in all, it was a positive experience and I'm going to help her learn the managerial gig. The second candidate was MUCH harder. I had no idea how hard it was to tell an internal candidate that they didn't get the job. They have to work with the others day-in, day-out and there's a huge potential for an "us" versus "they" situation. I hate to say this, but I learned a lot from my former experience when I didn't get the position I applied for.

Interviewing and hiring external candidates is completely different.** You don't know them or their experience, so you can be objective when you converse with them. I don't even tell non-chosen applicants they didn't get the job; I have Human Resources do that dirty work! So this was a first for me...I think I weathered it okay, but time will tell.

**By the way, I have to insert a small anecdote that made me think of my friend Lula (who also hired lately). On one of my external job postings, I received three bizarre email addresses for applicants' contact information! One was "GlitzEgal," one was "Greenacres," and one was "BedSqueeka." C'mon, if you're going to apply for a job, get a generic email address (even if you never check it!).