Before this, I didn't know how to grieve. Not that I really know now. But I have two days' experience. I worked for about 5 hours today, getting necessary things accomplished, and then came home. I put shorts and a tanktop on and carted my lounger out to the back patio. It was 76 degrees in Indy and, if I closed my eyes hard enough, the breeze made it feel like a day on a Floridian beach. Or a Lake Michigan beach in the middle of summer. I relished the breeze, letting the sunshine heal my broken soul.
Yesterday, I recorded some of my recounting of Dad's last few hours. At the time, "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" kept coming on Pandora. seeemingly mocking my emotions. But it dawned on me that it's one of my favorite memories - sitting on the docks in New Buffalo with him. With Dad. Watching the boats come and go out of the harbor. He introduced me to that existence, "beach life," if you will.
I'm one of those crazy diamonds that feels their emotions even more acutely with alcohol than without. Most people lock up their emotions with alcohol but a couple drinks make me feel mine even more acutely. As such, ready to face the gaunlet of emotions, I had a glass of wine on my Indianapolis-turned-Florida/Michigan beach patio.
UGHHHHH. Here we go.
My last communication last night was with my new boss, Fr. Mark. He told me that he would say a mass for me and my father today. Then he asked if he could inform the chairperson of the board, Sister JD. Of course I said yes, for she is my boss, too. So my first call this morning was from Sister JD, crying, explaining that she lost her father in the same manner. I shared with her some of the discord and regret I felt over the lack of true reconciliation with my father. She simply listened and then cried along with me.
Who has a chairperson of the board of a huge corporation call you personally, to cry with you, when your father passes on unexpectedly? I couldn't believe it. And yet, I was so grateful. Her love was palpable over the phone. I FELT loved. It's one thing to know you're loved. But it's another thing to be so surrounded by love that you feel it. You feel you are surrounded by guitar strings and can "pluck" that love so that it reverberates in your soul. I think it changes your soul's chemistry. I suddenly felt what it was like to be truly vulnerable, one human connecting with another. No pretenses. No judgment. No expectations. Just one person being totally present to another in need.
Then Sister JD sent out a message to all executive leadership and my fellow Franciscan leadership colleagues. I received something like 148 messages in an hour, all expressing sympathy and prayers. To work in an organization with such loving outpouring of support is a blessing I never imagined. And I'm going to let them wrap me in their love and support.
In times of sorrow and grief, I am so grateful for the love of hundreds of other people. People who only know me professionally and yet, they shower me with their love and support during this most difficult time. Rest in peace, Dad. And thank you, God, for my most loving family, friends, and colleagues.
No comments:
Post a Comment