Grief is a weird thing. Just when you think you're okay, some important memory or song blindsides you. The hardest part for me is that there was no funeral, no memorial service. I'm realizing the significance of those events, even if just for the family. Services end the "formal" period of grief and allow for some closure. I don't think there ever will be a memorial service so Jack and I are going to hold our own. I need that formal goodbye, that closure.
I put my nose to the grindstone last week and was on the road for 8 days straight (between meeings in northern Indiana and Chicago). My bestie, Vera, had a big birthday last weekend so Jack and I traveled to Chicago to help her ring in the new birth year with family and friends. Monday morning, I made the all-stupid decision to travel from Chicago to SB in the "faux blizzard" on Monday. 1-3" of snow became more like 5" and after some treacherous travels on I-65 and 80/94 (and lots of Hail Mary's), I found myself marooned on the Toll Road onramp for almost an hour. People were throwing snowballs and one truck driver walked up the ramp, offering people granola bars.
Granola bars from the rig of a semi. Yum! LOL.
We eventually moved and I arrived in SB nearly four hours after leaving Chicago. I was never so grateful for the ergonomic lumbar support I purchased a couple weeks ago. And the non-trucker granola bars at my folks' house!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The weird thing about losing my father is that my stepdad is truly my dad now. My Dad. Capital "D." When I visited them for the 2 hours during dinner and before bed, things had markedly changed. My stepdad was no longer in competition with my father. "Competition" is not the right word but for the last 25 years, dad was threatened by Dad and Dad by dad. I've been calling my stepdad "Dad" for the last 15 years (at least) and meant it when I called him Dad and purchased Father's Day cards. He loves me without condition and provides a caring example for our family. On one hand, I feel as though I'm doing my father a disservice by honoring my stepdad as Dad. But conversely, there is no longer division. No longer the competition for my love.
Things feel peaceful and no longer divided. Divorce is a rotten thing and in my family, it became a necessary thing. While annulment may heal the spouse and allow them to retain life in the Church, it makes the kids feel as though they have no "real" parents. If the marriage doesn't exist, you're technically a bastard. Not to be crass, but my bastardism is healing. Or at least alleviated. I'm back to having two parents like those "normal" kids. It's a strange psychology.
The upshot to this whole thing is that I have reconciled with my aunt, my father's sister. My grandpa was a stunning artist (I wish I inherited even 1/1000th of his talent) and instead of inheriting riches (or debt - haha), I am inheriting two very intricate charcoal drawings that grandpa did more than 50 years ago. I will have to restore them but will display them in a place of honor.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's finally holy week, too. Today is Palm Sunday and I saw several colleagues at mass. Maybe it's the job change, but for the first time in recent history, I wasn't impatient during the 1.5 hour service. I'm hoping this sense of peace and patience carries me through this week.
Speaking of holy...a strange phenomenon has been occurring at work. I pretty much only work with priests and nuns these days. It is a benefit for my moral life; you can't even dream of dropping the F-bomb in the presence of dozens of Sisters. It makes me realize how much of human sin is just habit. But the funniest part is that I somewhat-frequently dine with religious at secular restaurants. I feel comfortable doing out to dinner with priests and nuns and don't even realize I'm the only lay person at the table. But the people around me stare like crazy...try sitting in the middle of Bonefish Grill with a bunch of religious. You become a spectacle.
I don't mind being a spectacle. Just don't spill my wine as you whip out your iPhone to photograph the Sister to my right.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And finally, I applied for graduation from my master's degree since I finish my coursework this May. They sent me the list of 50+ crazy hard comprehensive exam questions. Like, "Explain the Trinity in 500 words" and "Why is the book of the prophet Isaiah important to salvation history?" Ugh. At least this degree will be finished soon and I will have my weekends back...until I have to start the PhD. But I'm trying to put that off for another year. I always thought that if I went back for yet another degree, I would go to law school. Guess not...but darnit, I'm taking some time off to breathe. And get back in shape. And read something other than theology!
No comments:
Post a Comment