Three Funnies

I'm up early today, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I guess that's better than DIHL-eyed! My $%&*^# fire alarm went off at 4:49 this morning. It woke me up from a catatonic sleep and I felt that adrenaline drip down my spine as I blindly scanned the hallways for smoke. All was well, but I only had another 20 minutes to sleep. What's the point?

Anyway, I had a 15 hour day yesterday that started with a teleconference at 7 a.m. and ended with a practice management meeting at one of the physician practices last night [practice management was COOL and I want to learn more about that.] I discovered the Starbucks cart in the cafeteria; that latte fueled me for hours!

A few funny things happened that cracked me up. First, the COO spoke at a community function at lunch. I was supposed to have attended, but the secretary forgot to register me! Talking with the COO about it afterward, I cracked up when I saw the plaque they presented him. It said his title was EV/OO. It should have been EVP/COO (Exec V.P and Chief Operating Officer). Anyone who watches any kind of Food Network programming knows that EV/OO stands for "Extra-Virgin Olive Oil!"

The second funny (okay, mortifying) thing that happened occured during a VIDEO conference with the corporate office. I actually DOZED OFF on camera, while someone on my side was talking (meaning the camera was pointed AT me, revealing my every facial expression to everyone on that call)! I felt my chin hit my chest and dramatically JOLTED awake. Soon after, the conference organizer suggested that the crew at St. Fozzie's go get some java. Whoops. My bad!

The third funny thing happened in the practice management meeting. One of the agenda items was the company's policy on Short-Term Disability. Since they abbreviate this "STD" and didn't include an explanation of the acronym, all of the physicians thought we were actually talking about STD's. The discussion that ensued quickly became awkward as they realized I was (yet again) the only woman in the Board room. I take that back, one other woman was there for five minutes and left as soon as she gave her financial report. I think they're starting to accept me...especially because I can rightly call one of my bosses "EVOO" to his face.

Verbal Vomit--with Pictures!

DISCLAIMER: I have a nice verbal vomit making its way up to the surface. This is just a warning; you might want to grab a poncho or umbrella before reading on.

First, I fully realize that I have nothing about which I can rightfully complain. My life is fabulous and I asked for this chance to prove myself. That's not the problem...it's back to that same old dichotomy. I really do have two hats that I wear, my "executive" cap and my "crazy" cap (as my mom calls it). We had early morning coffee on her deck today and she brought up that topic. She (and everyone else) seems afraid that I will soon lose the "crazy" cap and only have the "executive" cap. While I appreciate everyone's concern, I really can't see that happening....because I like wearing the "crazy" cap!

Like this weekend, I did my usual drive home, through Friday evening, summer-exodus traffic from Chicago. It frazzles my nerves each and every time. But I'm able to flip some switch when I cross the timezones, from CST to EST. It's like I'm on "home time" as soon as I cross that EST marker. It also works the other way, when I cross the CST marker, I'm back in "B.A. mode." Anyway, I pull in the driveway and Jack and I always go for a long walk. One, we like to catch up on our conversation and two, I need to work my legs after that drive. So the transition back home is pretty seamless. Plus, I have such a darn good time with everyone...how could I NOT want to go home for the weekends?! My "crazy" cap is always waiting for me.

But today, Jack and I spent the entire day at SkyBlue and Lou's. We had a wonderful time in the pool, playing heated volleyball matches and randomly splashing each other with frisbees full of water. Except that "go" time quickly approached, when I had to say my goodbye's, pack up my stuff, and hit the highway again. Weekends go so quickly and I soon have to hang up my "crazy" hat and pick up the "executive" cap again. And it's not that I don't like the "executive" cap; I do. It's just tough to transition when everyone else seems to have a lot more time in which they can wear their "crazy" caps.

All caps aside, I really wish I could figure out the best time to return to Chicagoland. Last week, I left later on Sunday evening and was literally in wall-to-wall parking lot for a half hour. Today, it was only a little better when I left an hour earlier:

Still nutty traffic! I quickly determined that it wasn't that I had a case of the Sunday's...I plainly dreaded my drive. This two-time zone existence is awesome and interesting, but for the hours I now spend in my car. I don't want to wish my life away, but I DO wish there was a way to speed up that drive...short of beaming myself home or parachuting out of an airplane.

Despite my Sasquatch-sized carbon footprint, I must admit that it's fabulous to be able to eat in Chicago. On Thursday, Steve was in the Chicago area for business and we were able to meet up for dinner. We dined at Aurelio's in Homewood, IL which was the Best. Pizza. Ever. We decided that we're going to become pizza connoisseurs while we have so many opportunities to try out Chicago pizzerias. This was our sausage and mushroom pie. Okay, HALF our sausage and mushroom pie!Thank you for listening to my verbal vomit about my "caps," which did morph into a therapeutic exercise! [Therese: it reminds me of your fat girl/hot girl dichotomy.] Now if you'll excuse me, I made myself hungry and need to go heat up one of my mini-pizzas for a belated dinner!

Joke Journal: Insult Generator

Last week, I went online seeking some sort of application that generates funny and motivational thoughts. I couldn't find one (side note: another potential business idea we should market!)

Instead, I found an Insult Generator that cracked me up! Here are a few of the good ones:

*If my dog's face looked like your face, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
*You're as sharp as a marble.
*I haven't seen you run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
*You're like school in the summertime -- no class.
*Yo' head so big, that when it rains your clothes don't get wet!
*Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on vacation.
*You're so poor, you DJ for the ice cream truck.
*You're so dumb yo put a quater in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
*You so ugly, when you were born the doctor smacked you and your mother.
*You're so stupid that you looked in a bowl of cherios and said...''O LOOK, DONUT SEEDS!'''
*Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like a coma?
*Your teeth are so crooked that when you smile, your teeth throw me gang signs.

And my favorite:

*Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!

Thriller!

I don't have much time, but I just have a quick observation to make. I've somehow insulated myself from the Michael Jackson drama because, well, I don't have cable or time to entertain much of the media! It's a mixed blessing; while I don't waste time on the MJ saga, I have no idea what's happening in North Korea! By the way, did Illinois get their state budget out of deadlock? Hmm.

So I just found out that Michael's kids are named Prince Michael, Paris Michael, and Price Michael II. Seriously? And my second question...why in the heck are they WHITE?

Thoughts? Rebuttals? Anyone?!

Time in the ER

So today was my first real experience in the ER. We have a new initiative at St. Fozzie's called "Physician First" and basically, patients receive immediate triage care and they're quickly discharged, kept for additional tests and observation, or whisked off to emergency surgery. It's dramatically affecting the ER patient flow, but that's boring administrative speak. I'll get to the good stuff.

I hate to be clichee, but it DID remind me of some scenes from when "E.R." was on television. I was in the ER for two hours and saw a few interesting cases. The first case was an ectopic pregnancy, which obviously required emergency surgery. They soon wheeled that poor girl off to the OR. She was doubled-over in agonizing pain and I felt for her.

The second case was an older woman with some sort of GI bleed...and she had uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. You know how you get that "flight or fight" feeling when scary things happen? I totally got the fight or flight feeling with this one! I felt like I needed to either fix her problems (hello, not possible) or run away very quickly! I opted for stepping out of the room. She was also taken into emergency surgery and was in critical condition.

The third case came in when I was talking to a few of the new ER docs (their first day at St. Fozzie's) in the hallway. A few of the nurses flew by and I overheard one of them yell, "AMI, 3 minutes!!" Acute Myocardial Infarction. Severe heart attack, three minutes away via ambulance. Sure enough, the wailing sirens soon filled our ears. The scene was one of organized chaos, where the clinical staff start the lines, cut the clothing, start oxygen, and within seconds, the attending doc was diagnosing the severity of the situation. A few minutes later when they definitively diagnosed an AMI, the patient was rushed up to the Cath Lab.

To my untrained and unfamiliar eye, the ER seems like an ant hill. It seems like people are scurrying around but really, they all have explicit tasks in the patient's overall care. As scary as those moments were, it was truly an adventure for me. And since I work on the south side of Chicago, it *is* similar to the setting for the "E.R." show. I wonder if Dr. Carter is on staff?

Running Like the Wind

So after the long weekend of playing and eating and drinking and relaxing, I found it *very* hard to ramp up for work. I suffered through Monday, feeling like a zombie running through freezer-chilled molasses. Every movement was a challenge and despite a Red Bull, a Mt Dew, and a 16 oz coffee, I could have slept on the wing of an airplane. At 9pm, I finally gave up the battle and crashed.

But then on Tuesday, I woke up feeling the same way. How could this be, I was decently rested, fully caffeinated, yet all I wanted to do was float around on a pool raft and listen to cheesy 80's music. As I was driving full-speed down the Interstate, it hit me. I'm tired of this existence. I'm not sure if I'm cut out for this life. I'm bored. I'm freaking BORED in the hospital! Seriously!? I stewed about that for a while and succumbed to the few tears that burned my eyelids.

After an emotional phone call to Jack (while still on the road), I decided that I'm not going to play passively anymore. Why should I? He pushed a few select buttons that made me realize that I don't need anyone's permission or approval. They're giving me a backstage pass to the hospital and I'm BORED? The corporate execs put me in this role as a litmus test to my strength, perseverance, and candor. I've been the perfect picture of a poised young woman, but I'm tired of being that poised woman with the perfect posture! I decided to get over myself and let go of the expectations I created for myself from the assumptions I've made.

There, how's that for profound?

So as a move to solidify my new status as an administrative rebel, I volunteered to spearhead a physician committee, accepted an invitation to lead an Infection Control task force (germaphobes beware!), and led a meeting with the Surgical residents (St. Fozzie's is a teaching hospital, after all) and soley represented Administration the residents. Granted, I couldn't answer all their questions. But I jotted them down and sent and email to the department head before I left work this evening. To further solidify my rebel status, I scheduled myself one whole day in Interventional Radiology, two whole days in the ER, and three cases in the OR.

Take that, Dorrie-created assumptions about supposed expectations!

Fourth of July Weekend

Whoa, sorry for that unintentional blogging break! Since my softball game was called on account of rain, I have time to catch up on my writing. I've had lots of ideas but poor execution!

The long weekend was absolutely fabulous. I went home on Thursday night; Jack and I promptly broke out the cold beers and the grill. The Edge came over for a while and Jack created heavenly burgers...the mouthwatering beef, smothered in white cheddar and sauteed mushrooms..you know, the low fat ones!

Friday ushered in a day of me sitting on my duff (hey, I finished a novel) and Jack did 5 hours' worth of yard work. Our neighborhood block party was rained out on Saturday (but not before I ingested 2,938 calories in brownie bars, cookies, and truffles!). The "block party" consisted of a few select neighbors huddling on Therese's porch in the evening, sharing stories and laughs. I swear, those are the best parties! We bailed on the neighborhood firework display because honestly, we could see them from our house, perfectly framed by the trees.

So while it was great to go home and relax with friends and family, I had a tough time ramping up Monday morning...

My First Month

Hurray! I survived my first five weeks at St. Fozzie's! One month down, eleven to go! I entered the picture during a firestorm of political headlines, a corporate-sanctioned nursing reorganization and consolidation of surgery, and dove (head-first) into a scary and intimidating executive world. I had the D.I.H.L. facial expression; for the most part, I hung in there and held my own.

As I raced between a 7am meeting in the Cath Lab and an 8am meeting with our environmental services contracting agency the other morning, I realized that I love this job. I'm having such a ball and (surprise!) I do thrive on stress. This is probably a case of stating the obvious, but I'm documenting it here so you can blackmail me in the future.

I also realized on Tuesday, that I FINALLY "turned the corner." Don't you just love that expression? It stimulates a great mental image, sort of like "verbal vomiting" or "sinus implosion!" After having presented to the senior execs and meeting the Congressman, I quickly walked through the Heart and Vascular Center and quickly found the people and conference rooms I needed. I no longer had to ask for directions and I knew almost everyone's names when I passed them in the hall.

I was no longer the village idiot. Or hospital idiot? I don't think you want to hear the word "idiot" said in a hospital. You also don't want to hear the word, "Oops!" Or "Brace yourself, this is gonna hurt!"

I tabulated my costs from the month, just so I could share this with Jack. I looked at my 'mortgage' payment, my gas receipts, my scant utilities, and grocery bill. I thought it was pretty hysterical that I spent a grand total of $51 on groceries for five weeks! Granted, this does not include my trail mix expenditures in the cafeteria, but it's pretty frugal for me! I guess that's what eating frozen corn does for ya!

A Project in Life

Well, the Mexican family's patriarch passed away last night. His remaining family was able to fly in from Mexico, to surround his bedside during the last few hours. When I looked at the patient list this morning, I noticed his name was no longer on the roster. That's life around here.

It is still strange to me, how I can be sitting in meetings or walking the halls and I hear ambulance sirens screaming their way towards the ER or helicopters taking off and landing, transporting critically ill patients. This is truly a transitional place; you either come here to have a baby (or to be born!) or to die. Beginning of life and end of life. Granted, there are in-between cases for otherwise healthy people, but the majority seem to be beginning of life and end of life.

And you wonder why I've been reflecting on mortality lately!

In my "spare time" (HAHA, what's that?!), I'm compiling a massive project that will be used to prove St. Fozzie's viability to the corporate office and ultimately, to the Board. So I'm really feeling the crunch to get out into as many departments and meetings as I can…yet I still have to return to my office to work on the project in the evenings. I'm utilizing Microsoft Project, which is a highly un-intuitive program. If you've used Project, you understand my frustration. I was able to recruit a special project management mentor next week, who will help me set up my project in Project. Guess what the word of the day is? Project!

Corny

So is it bad when you're craving something sweet, all you have in your house is dry cereal, caffeinated beverages, and some frozen veggies, so you decide to heat up some some frozen corn to satisfy your sweet tooth?

And is it weird that Chandler from, oh, say, the first two seasons of Friends totally reminds me of Roger Federer? It's that kind of night...I worked 13.5 hours today, skipped my work-out (it's raining), and cozied up on the couch to eat frozen corn and watch Friends reruns. Only because I can't watch Wimbledon matches!

I do have one work-related story to share today. Of my nine hours' of meetings today, one was with the medical directors of the Cancer Institute. The prominent Oncologist, Dr. Doodle, spent the whole hour drawing foreign cars' emblems on the meeting agenda. At one point, he ran out of emblems and quizzically looked up at me. I mouthed, "Infiniti" and he scurried back to his artwork. That guy must be a hoot at parties!