Today I'm writing about patience and peace...two sentiments that often allude me.I promised I wasn't going to talk much about faith on this blog (there are other forums for that), but I'm realizing a startling truth. Okay, I'm re-realizing it. If you're not peaceful and patient, others can totally tell. And when I'm not peaceful and patient, I can totally tell. It affects my actions, decisions, and perceptions.
In my professional life, I've always tried to be that person whose still waters ran deep. I might appear ruffled on the surface, as wind and conflict always stirs up the waves. But underneath it all, I tried to be calm, faithful, assertive, and, well, assured that everything will work out in the end. That underneath the waves and wind, the water was clear and undisturbed.
Let me tell you how well that's going. This first six months of my fellowship has shaken the waters down to bedrock, stirring up all that mud on the bottom. The water shifted from clear blue to muddied brown. While I used to be quite able to look down inside myself (metaphorically, of course) and see the motivations of my soul, it's impossible to see that now. I know I'm wired a certain way and that my values and faith have always been the bedrock of my life...but it's far easier to have faith in the future when you can see.
I know, I know. Blessed are those who believe but have not seen. I'm working on it, believe me.
My internal compass is spinning and the still waters are no longer still and peaceful because I have no clue where the next six months will lead me. That's been the tempest rattling my very being lately...that I have no idea where I'm going to end up. Will I be hired on at St. Fozzie's? Will they transfer me to St. Piggy's? Muppet Corporate? St. Gonzo's? While I highly doubt that on my last day, they'll strip me of my keys and tell me to bugger off, it's still a minute possibility that must be considered.
Despite this uncertainty, I am having faith that I'm still doing what God wants from me. I'm choosing to have faith. It's a moment-to-moment process in which I must keep choosing faith. This is going to be the toughest Advent of my life, tougher than multi-tasking my way through Advent, Christmas shopping and preparation, and final exams. In a way, however, it's extremely apropos. Advent denotes the preparation I must undergo for Christmas. And I'm in my year-long advent (small "a") right now, as I prepare myself for the long haul in hospital administration.
i'm so excited to learn where you end up because i know that, despite the uncertainty & confusion that you feel now, you will end up somewhere that you can be successful & happy. the past six months have gone by incredibly fast [at least for me!], so i'm sure that these next six months will go by before you know it. hopefully, once you have knowledge of where you'll be working, the muddy, churning water will be as still & serene as the tropical waters that you lay next to on vacation. just in case, though, keep some wine, chocolate, & coffee heavily stocked to get through your days [& nights for the wine, haha].
ReplyDeleteGasp! Life's finally returning to normal. What am I saying? I have two kids and things won't be "normal" for another 20 years!
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice post. It should show you how serious you are that you're even thinking about these things. Hope your Thanksgiving was full of family fun!