Y'know how some people do their best thinking when they're in the shower? Or while running? Or while meditating or sitting quietly? I get my best ideas when I'm driving 80 mph on some of Indiana's best interstates (okay, Illinois' interstates, too).I spent 8 hours on the road yesterday. I'm so bone-tired. I usually feel completely exhausted and depleted after corporate meetings. It takes a lot of energy to process the subject matter and participate, especially the areas in which I'm still learning. I hang in there though, and I have to constantly remind myself that when I'm feeling pretty hopeless and overwhelmed, it's usually because I'm completely wiped out.
So during my drive, I had a lot of time to think. I tried listening to a book on CD, but found myself getting very drousy. So I brainstormed my situation and came up with three metaphors.
First, with such exhaustion comes self-doubt. I doubted that I'll be able to keep up this executive pace for another 40 years. I didn't feel I had all the fabric necessary to fit the executive pattern. How could I adhere to a pattern if I don't even have the right fabric? Plus, I have a Scooby Doo print and other execs are usually fashioned from a pasley print.
Then I got to thinking about God's will for my life. What if God doesn't call me to executive leadership, on a long-term basis? What if God IS calling me to executive leadership (trust me, both options scare me right now)? I compared my feelings to an experience I had this weekend. My cousin, Yoshi, and I went jogging out at Notre Dame. The lakes are gorgeous this time of year and there are paths winding around the lakes. Except that during the last storm, most of the leaves fell off the trees and completely obscured the path. We knew the path was there, but we couldn't see it. We kept going, believing we knew where we were going, but we never did see the actual gravel of the path. That's how I feel right now. I have an indication of the path, I know it's under there somewhere, but I just can't SEE it. Yes, yes, I know. It's called faith and I'm working on it!
I feel so beaten-down after those high-level meetings. I need time to decompress and process the material so it makes sense in my head. I compared this to an insane workout. In weight-lifting, you basically tear down your muscle fibers with the knowledge that they will rebuild and make you stronger in the long run. That's what the corporate meetings do to me. They tear me down so I can heal and come back even stronger next time. And it's not as though they demean me or belittle me; they're just so far over my head sometimes, that I really must stretch myself. Sometimes it hurts.
But just as a soothing bath, glass of wine, and good novel help me heal after a killer workout, they also help me heal from corporate workouts.
you're so eloquent - i love reading your blogs.
ReplyDeleteone thing you must think about - yes, you are on the corporate path right now, but you're also being inundated with 2,000 different committees and activities to spearhead that you probably wouldn't normally participate in as a normal exec. you're trying to prove yourself right now, and that can be physically, emotionally, and psychologically draining. when you have taken on your position on a long-term basis [if that's what you choose], you will feel more secure, more in-tune, and more comfortable with your responsibilities and the demands on your time.
you're a strong, capable woman, and i'm so proud of you!